Chapter 3: Who to Blame!

I could blame God for my shortcomings, but I would be wrong.  It wasn’t His fault why things happened, I blame myself.  I should have been more loyal and obedient when He told me something, but I wasn’t.  The Lord in 1985 wanted me to write and publish a book on my emotions that I was feeling a year after Ron’s death.  The person who was proofreading my book, was so overwhelmed, by what I had to say that she joined a church.

After I had written that book, I sent a copy of it to my in-laws.  My father-in-law was not impressed.  The reason why?  He couldn’t face the truth about how he treated me.  Because of this, he told me that I was not welcome into his home, ever again.  Maybe that was why, I decided not to get that book published.

I had forgotten that I had send this book to him.  It wasn’t onto 2015 that my youngest daughter told me why, Pop had pushed me out the door.  It was because of this book.  But I then went to a counselor, who helped me understand why my father-in-law was mad. “He,” this counselor said, “Couldn’t face the truth in that book on how he had treated you all those years.  When someone doesn’t want to admit their mistakes or faults, it is easier for them to push that blame onto someone else.  You were his scapegoat.”

Once again in 1988 Jesus wanted me to write a book about my past.  But I wasn’t able to put down parts of my childhood.  I had no memory of what that was. I have often wondered, would Jesus have  removed those memories, to help me survive, or was it really Satan, so he could destroy me?  I think it had to be Satan that does this.  That way, If I could have remembered what was done, I wouldn’t have married a man that was abusive, just like my dad was.  Then, that generation curse would no longer continue.

Flashback: In 1984 Ron and I wanted to sell our black Angus bull.  I went to the feed store and I asked, if anyone could help me do this.  A man volunteered.  He drove his truck with a trailer attached to it to my house.  Once he had loaded up this bull, I got into the truck with this man.  Once we were at the sale barn, and my bull was sold, he bought me some lunch. But as we were leaving, he placed his arm around my waist.  This shocked me.  As I went through another door, I move away from this man, so he couldn’t do that again.  I wasn’t comfortable around him, and I was so glad, when I was finally in my own house. A few days later he came back.  But this time, I told him to leave and he did.

Something hidden in my subconscious mind, was warning me of danger.  Something in my past that I couldn’t remember, was surfacing to what had taken place. When it did, I got a very bad headache and it was very painful.  This headache also affected my vision.  I went to see a doctor, who study about Migraine headaches.  He told me that the biggest reason for these headaches, is stress.  Yes, I do believe Satan had removed this memory and Jesus had brought it back to my conscious mind about this danger that I was under.

So to help me remember, Jesus arranged for my parents to spend the winter months with me at my home in Cumming, Georgia that winter of 1989.  While they were there, Dad tried controlling my life, by telling me what he wanted me to do.  But I fought back.  I told him that this was my house, not his.  I wasn’t his little girl anymore.  That following day my middle brother flew down and he drove our parents back home to New York in their car.

Several weeks later, I had lots of nightmares.  I saw myself, as a young child,  running down the stairs into the basement of our Brooklyn house.  I then ran into the bathroom.  Once I had locked that door behind me, I sat down on the edge of the bathtub, trying to figure out my next move.  That was all that I could remember in those nightmares.

I went to a Christian Counselor that last part of 1991.  Memories came back of the abuses that I had to deal with as a young child.  During one of my sessions when I started remembering an evil event that had happened, I got a very bad headache.  The counselor was very concerned about this headache.  She later informed me that due to my abuses, I was close to having a split personality.  I was so glad that I had asked Jesus to come into my life, when I was seven years old.  It was Him that had prevented this from happening.

Once these counseling sessions were over, I chose to confront my parents.  I phoned them.  Mom  got on the phone that was in the kitchen; Dad got onto the phone that was in their bedroom.  I first confronted my mom.  I said, “Mom.  You had ignored me, when I was a child.”  Her reply, “I have ignored you all of your life.  So what!”  I was devastated.

I then confronted Dad.  “Dad, you played with me, sexually.  When I was six years old, I ran down into the basement and I hid in the bathroom.  You and Mom came down after me.  You and Mom argued outside the bathroom door, then Mom when back upstairs.”

Flashback:  In 2014 I had gone to another counselor.  When I had told her about this nightmare, I had said that I thought that the reason why Mom came downstairs, was to protect me.  But during my other session, I had told this counselor, how much my Mom loved my twin sister.  Her reply, “Your Mom came down to see if your Dad was after your sister.  When she realized it was you, she didn’t care and that was why she went back upstairs.”

“Once Mom was gone, you Dad started removing the hardware from that door.  I looked for a way to escape, but I couldn’t, because of the bars that were on the window.  You then  pulled me out into the other room and I was raped.”  I heard Mom say from the other phone, “How could you remember that, you were too little.”  She knew.  She just didn’t care.

More memories kept coming back.  I remember one of my parents coming into my bedroom late at night and taking me downstairs into the living room.  This abuse started when I was three years old and it continued into my teenage years.  I remember what had happened to me, when I was fourteen years old.  I was watching television in my brother’s bedroom, when Dad came in.  He sat down next to me and we watch television together.  Then he started scratching my back.  A short time later, he reaches his hand around toward my breast, but I quickly moved away and I told him, “No.”

I had many dreams about my parents’ living room, even after I was married in 1966.  In 1968 my husband and I moved to Maryland.  One night I had a nightmare.  I saw myself in my parents’ living room with Dad.  When I woke up from that nightmare, I was frightened.  It took me quite awhile, before I realized that it was just a dream, and I felt better.  I also knew that I was safe and Dad could not hurt me again.  Even though Dad never admitted his offense, nor did Mom say that she was sorry, I still forgave them both that year of 2000.

Who was to blame for what had happened to me as a child?  I blame my parents.  It wasn’t my fault, nor did I cause those evil things to happen.  I was a victim of child abuse.  However, I used to blame myself.  I thought it was my fault, because I must have done something really bad.  But that was not true.  I have always had a low opinion of myself.  I accepted things that other people said about me, as fact.  I was nothing in their eyes.  I was a rag picked up and used.  When not in use, I was thrown back into that closet of loneliness. I did as I was told.  When few people gave me complements, I couldn’t accept them.  I always thought that I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s praise.  I was living this lie from Satan.  I was believing that it was my fault, when I had nothing to do with it.  I was not trash thrown out.  I was and still am, a child of God.

My husband Ron was like my parents.  He was sexually and emotionally abusive.  He would encourage me one minute and the next minute, I was being put down.  I remember that night as Ron was driving us to his boss’s office party.  I was happily sitting next to him, when he turned his head around and said, “That sure is an ugly dress that you are wearing.”  Such encouraging words I received.  Ron expected me to do, whatever he wanted.  I had no say.  Many days in the seventies I would sit on my basement step, thinking of different ways to kill myself. I was so depressed.  Here I was, stuck in a marriage with a man, who made me feel worthless.  Then once his boss introduced Ron to pornography,  things got really bad.

The Holy Spirit speaks: What Ron did to you was not your fault.  It was from a man who enjoyed abusing his wife.  The spirit of darkness controlled him.  It was not your fault that these evil things happened.  Say, “It is not my fault.  I am a victim.”

“It is not my fault.  I am a victim.  I did not cause these things to happen.  I am not trash thrown out.  Instead, I am someone, who is desired in my Father God’s eyes.  I am His child.”

In 2010 when I dated another man, he too, treated me badly.  He lied and I was emotionally abused.  He led me on, where I believed that he cared, when instead, I was just being used.  Who was living inside of him, Vita?   “It was Satan.” Did he believe in Me Jesus? “No.  He said that he did, but his actions proved otherwise.” What role did you play there?  “I was a victim.  It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything to cause it.”

Those cruel people in my life had chosen, whom it was that they wanted to serve.  It was Satan.  I have chosen, who I want to serve.  It is Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.  I am His child.

Jesus speaks: You have always walked with Me.  You knew Me Jesus, when you were a little girl.  You asked Me to come into your heart.  When I did, I sent the Holy Spirit to you, then I placed My angels around you for your protection.  I love and cherish you and you Vita are mine.  Who am I?  I am the Lord God Almighty.

All my life I have walked with my Savior.  It was because I had chosen the correct path that Satan has tried to destroy me.  Thank You Jesus for Your protection.  Thank You for sending me Your angels in my times of distress.  Whatever happens from now on, it is in You hands, not mine.  I surrender my entire life into Your hands.  Satan, you have no more control over my life.  I am a child of His Majesty, Lord God Almighty.  It is in Him that I trust.

Everything that had happened in that part of my life, has been dealt with and erased.  In its place is me in the arms of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  He has sent the Holy Spirit, Who live within me.  I have given Him my permission to control my soul.  It is the Holy Spirit that is leading, guiding, teaching and counseling me now.  So, whatever Satan tries to throw my way, Jesus’ angels will be at my side, holding me up, if need be, or surrounding me with their mighty swords drawn, ready to battle anyone or thing that comes at me from any side.

I was so glad when I had received the baptism of the Holy Spirit in 1979, after I had read a book by Kenneth Hagin.  The name of that book was “How to be filled with the Holy Spirit.” In that book was a prayer that I prayed.  When I had finished that prayer, immediately, the Holy Spirit fell upon me.  I became drunk in the spirit.  When I did, I started laughing uncontrollably.  Then I spoke in a different language.  Even though I had no idea what I was saying, it didn’t matter.  Because the more I spoke that language, the happier I was becoming and the more, I laughed.  This lasted for several hours.  That was the best experience I have ever had.

I was in the 3rd heaven, where Almighty God lives, when I was driving over to my youngest daughter’s house to watch my grandson, while she and her husband worked.  This was in 1999.  As I was driving there early that morning, I was singing in the spirit.  What does that mean?  I was singing in the unknown tongue that the Holy Spirit had given to me, to the Lord.  Because I didn’t understand what I was saying, I asked the Holy Spirit to tell me what it meant in my English language.  I was able to hear in English what the angels were singing to God and God’s response to them.  It was beautiful.

The reason why the Holy Spirit had given me His language, was for me to speak out loud, to edify myself.  Then He could sent an angel up to the 3rd heaven to get a word from God.  Once the word was given to the Holy Spirit, He gave it to my spirit man on what God wanted me to do.  Then, when I did His will, I would be purged.  Which meant that the Holy Spirit would help me realize, if there were any strongholds in my life that Satan had placed upon me from my past that I needed to deal with.  Once I found one, He would set me free from it and that door would be closed, forever.  This continued until all the strongholds were gone. I then grew more and more into Jesus’ character.  I also knew the mind of God.  Then I received His Agape Love and I shared it with others. Check out Isaiah 30:20-21; 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

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