Chapter 4: Cost of Disobedience

Years after Ron’s death, Jesus wanted my obedience, but I refused.  If I had surrendered and done what He called me to do in 1985, I wouldn’t have had all these other problems.  The early part of March 1993, I heard the Holy Spirit speak, telling me that I needed to sell my home and move to a different location.  I refused.  I loved my land and the house that Ron and I had built, too much to do that.  Also selling my home and moving somewhere else into the unknown, was scary.

The land that I really loved, was my 3rd pasture.  No other homes were close to that piece of property.  It was all pasture with a creek that flowed through it.  But a problem arose.  I needed more money to live on, so that August of that year, I placed my land up for sale.  A man came and he gave me a contract to purchase my 3rd pasture only.  Since I needed the money, I agreed.  But once again, because of my disobedience, others things happened.

The county wanted to have a park put in that was behind this property.  When their contractors put in drain pipes, the openings to these pipes were placed toward my 3rd pasture and toward a creek that was on my brother-in-law’s property.  So when it rained, mud and water flowed down onto my pasture and into that creek.  That creek would also flow into my creek that was in my 2nd pasture.  I fought with the county about this problem, as did my brother-in-law, but little was done.  Then the man, who had that contract to purchase my land, after he had seen all that mud in my creek, back out of that contract.

There was another family that was very interested in buying my house and the 60 acres, until he saw the mud in the creek. He too, changed his mind.  The only people left that would buy my land, were developers, who build subdivisions.  This grieved me, as I wanted another family to enjoy this land, not someone that would build a subdivision.  But I ended up selling it to the highest bidder.  After I had moved, Ron’s sister phoned me.  She told me that the developer decided to tear down my house and then he burned it.  She said that it took two days for it to burn to the ground.  Several months later, I drove back to see my former land.  I was so discouraged that I cried.  The creek that was in the 3rd pasture that I loved to walk by, was  gone.  In its place was a lake.  Even if I wanted to go back, I couldn’t.  For what I had loved, is no more.

I moved west of Atlanta and I paid cash for my house and its 22 acres of pasture land that boarded onto a river. Since I had a lot of money due to the sale of my land, I no longer relied on Jesus.  Instead, money became my god.  But due to my disobedience everything went wrong in that house.  As I was watching television one night, it started raining.  To my surprise rain came in through the windows, underneath the outside wall and through the roof.  It cost me a lot of money to repair it all.  Then when the money ran out, I was scared.

I placed my house and land up for sale.  When It sold, I couldn’t find a place to rent, because of my four, large dogs.  Instead, I moved into my y0ungest daughter’s basement.  I was there for only a few months, when I heard the Holy Spirit say, “It is time for you to move into your own house.  Describe the house that you want, and I will find it.”  I really didn’t want to own another house.  But this time, I was obedient.  I gave Him a description of the house that I wanted and I am still living in it.

Once more I paid cash for this house.  As I was entering this house for the 1st time, I heard the Holy Spirit say, “You are here to write two books, “Miracles” and “Walking in the Now.”  When they are finished and published, I will send you the man that I have chosen for you to marry.  These books that you will write, will help you deal with your past, then I will set you free from it.” 

When the Holy Spirit speaks, I hear Him through my mind.  Sometimes, He will show me things through dreams, His written Word, or other means.  But when He speaks, I better listen.

In 1988 I went to a photography school.  When I graduated in 1990, I decided to become an animal photographer.  At 1st, I took photographs of horses and their riders jumping over fences at different horse shows, than later, I took photographs at the different veterinarian clinics.  My youngest daughter also took some photography classes at the same school that I had gone to.  So I decided to open up two studios in Atlanta in 1992.  In my studio, I would photograph these animals alone or with their owners.  In the other studio; which was next to mine, my daughter took photographs of people.  But I had promised Jesus that I would close up both studios, if they didn’t bring in enough income on their own, when that lease ran out that June of 1995.  But instead, I chose to open up these studios at another location.  Because of my disobedience, I had a lot of problems there also.

One foolish thing that I had done, was to pay a lot of money to have the studios built to my specifications in a building that I was renting.  I also signed a five year lease.  These studios were opened up for business in August of 1995.  A month later the roof in my waiting room started leaking.  In October there was a gluey, smelly substance that attracted bugs coming out of the wall that was between my space and the restaurants.

I complained to the landlord once more.  When he had part of the wall removed, it was noted that the firewall had mildew on it.  Then on October 27th a water pipe busted in the restaurant that was closed that day, and this water flowed through that wall into our studios, ruining all the carpets.  When the fire marshal came and he saw the mildew, he got angry.  He said, “This whole wall from one end to the other, will need to be ripped down and replaced.”  I lost it at that point and on December 2nd I closed up both studios.  However, Jesus was kind, and He got me out of that five year lease that I had signed.

When I had moved into this house that I am still living in, even then I rebelled.   I refused to write my book “Miracles.”  Instead, I found other things to do.  I grew tired of taking photographs of people’s animals, so I got a job working at a hotel, instead.  That was until my van broke down.  I finally told the Lord that I would stay at home and write that book, and that was what I did.

During the night I had a dream about my book and the title of that 1st chapter that He wanted me to write about.  When that chapter was finished, the Lord gave me the title for the next chapter.  As I continued to write these painful events of my past, the Holy Spirit became both my Teacher and my Counselor.  The more I wrote, the more I understood why these things had to happen, and the freer I became.  I could now escape from any torment that Satan tired to attack me with through my mind.  July 27, 2000 I asked Jesus for His forgiveness for not surrendering to Him sooner.  If I had, I would have been set free, quicker.

I learned something through all this!  When Jesus wants something done, He will always provide a way.  I had no idea how I was going to live without any income coming in.  But Jesus knew.  He placed a strong desire upon my twin sister’s heart to send me money each month until I had finished writing my book.  I then sent my book to a publishing company, who accepted it.  It was published in 2002 under a pen name.

Why was I so afraid to obey?  Why did I tell Jesus that I was scared to move?  Why did I allow Satan to control my thinking?  A few months after Ron’s death, Jesus showed me in a dream, the face of a man that He said, I would one day marry.  He also told me that this man would be buying some of my property that I had in Cumming.  A few months later, a man put a contract on part of my land.  His mother had phoned me one day and she said, “My son will make you a great husband.”  But that statement disturbed me.  So I prayed, asking Jesus to stop that sale, which He did.  Even though Jesus had told me that one day I would marry, I still panicked.  I was fearful that I would marry another abusive man like my husband was.

That was why it was so important that I understood my past.  Those words, negative words that were spoken over me by my mom had created this fear.  Now the Holy Spirit had to help me understand that His Word was true with no hidden meanings.  As I wrote “Miracles” I realized how I would switch back and forth into the different moods.  This book that I am now writing, will totally set me free from my past.  I know now that since the Holy Spirit is living inside of me, and I have giving Him permission to take control over my soul, which is my mind, my will and my emotions, I have nothing to fear.

Today, April 18, 2013 was a good example.  I was thinking a negative thought about my health, when it occurred to me what I was doing.  I finally said, “No Satan, I am not going to listen to your lies.”  Then I started speaking in the spirit and the more I spoke, the better off I felt.  This was the kind of trust that I needed.

I knew that Jesus has His angels around me and that He is taking care of everything in my life.  I really don’t think that God’s plan was for me to go to a photography school or even move.  But I failed to go in the direction that He was leading me into.  Now 28 years later, where am I?  I loved that land in Cumming.  If I had only obeyed and trusted in Jesus, my life would have been different.  But Jesus knew how badly my life was messed up that He decided to give me another chance.

Please forgive me Lord for my attitudes.  If I had listened to Your voice and trusted in You, My life would have been so much better.  I have made a lot of mistakes during these last 28 years.  It never occurred to me that by not being obedient, I was sinning against You God.  Please forgive me.  Amen.

A few years ago, Jesus told me to design the house that I would one day be living in with my husband.  I have designed it and now I am waiting.  I also need to deal with the last parts of my past, so I can enter into this marriage totally healed.  Will this man that God had shown me in that dream in 1985 be the same one?  I’m sure he will be.  Because what Jesus’ promises, will always come to pass.

I need to protect my thinking and stay in the Word.  So Satan can no longer get the upper hand.  Then my husband and I will pray together and fight against the spirits of darkness through Spiritual Warfare in the heavenly realm.  I’m so looking forward to that.  My children and my grandchildren will adore him, as he will love them in return.  Then the word that a woman had spoken over me, will come into existence.  She said, “I see you with both of your children and grandchildren, sitting at a table together and laughing.”  I cherish that vision.

A friend of mine had died two weeks before Christmas of 2014.  It disturbed me badly.  I realized that I needed to let my siblings and my daughters know, how much they have meant to me.  So I went onto their Facebook pages, and I told them so.  As for my oldest daughter, her birthday was coming up, so after I had prayed, I sent her a Birthday card.  I had apologized to her for the cruel things that I had said and done.  I also stated that hurt people, would also hurt people.  She later sent me a Christmas card with a letter in it.  This letter was letting me know that she had forgiven me for all the hurts of the past.  That was the best Christmas present that I could ever had hope for.  My family was now back together again.  Praise God for His faithfulness.

This was what she wrote,”I agree that people who are hurting wind up hurting others.  In many cases, its not intentional-it’s the natural cycle of humanity when we don’t allow God to hear our hurts.  In our brokenness, we lash out at others and don’t realize, how hurtful our own actions are.  I have done this myself and am so grateful that God is healing both me and my relationships.  God is bigger than our pasts.  He can heal all of the emptiness and brokenness from the actions of those who hurt us and who were probably empty and broken themselves.  There has been enough hurt in our family.  It is time to heal.”

She adds, “At our core we all seek unfailing love, but only God is capable of providing that.  No human relationship is ever going to fill that need.  God has taught me that He is the source of love who amply fills my need for unfailing love to overflowing, and then out of that overflowing, I am able to love others.  My focus is no longer on whether another person can meet my emotional needs- instead, I seek to share the overflow of  God’s rich love with others.  This change in mindset has dramatically changed my relationships and it all comes out of 1 Corinthians 13-”

1 Corinthians 13 :  God’s love: It endures long and is patient and kind. Love is never  envious nor boils over with jealousy.  It is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. There is no conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride).  It is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly.  Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it.  It pays no attention to a suffered wrong. One does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but instead it rejoices when right and truth prevail.  Love, God’s love bears up under anything and everything that comes.  It is ever ready to believe the best of every person.  The hopes are fade less under all circumstances, and it endures everything without weakening.  Love, true love will never fail.

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