Chapter 5: Overlooked

This word, “overlooked” means that a person is unnoticed, even if that person is standing right in front of that other person.  That is how I have felt most of my life.  Mom, when I had confronted her about her abuse, told me that she had ignored me all of my life and that she just didn’t care.  Mom also said, “No matter what you try to do in your life, Vita, you will never amount to anything.  Everything you do will fail.”  I believed this lie.

I was overlook as a child and thinking back now, I overlooked my children.  I even overlooked my in-laws after Ron’s death.  Here they were sitting on my couch, wondering what they were going to do now that their son was dead.  So instead of only thinking about myself, I should have been thinking about them also.  That was a shameful thing for me to do.

I often wonder what my life would have been like, if I didn’t give Pop that book that the Lord wanted me to write on the emotions that I was feeling after Ron’s death.  A few years ago, I had talked to a counselor about this.  She said, “The reason why Pop had rejected your book, was because he couldn’t accept the truth on the cruel things that he did to you.  Instead, he switched the blame, making you look like the bad person.  You became his scapegoat.”

So once I moved west of Atlanta, I withdrew from Ron’s side of the family completely.  Even when I went back to see what was done to the land that I had sold, I could have gone by to see my sister-in-law, but I chose not to.

Looking back into Ron’s life, he too was abused.  Ron had told me that his dad would hit him over the head with a large, heavy Bible, when he was bad.  When his sister got into trouble, because Pop didn’t like hitting girls, he would hit Ron instead.  Neither of Ron’s parents ever came to any of Ron’s school functions.  They didn’t even come to his graduation from law school.

Everything was fine for us, when his parents were living in another state.  But once they moved down to Georgia, things got ugly.  The reason why Ron bought that farm in Cumming, Georgia was not because of the horses that I owned.  It was to provide a place for Pop to keep busy, while his wife worked in Ron’s office as his bookkeeper.  Pop who was very controlling, insisted that Ron had to drive over to his house, to pick him up every Saturday and Sunday morning, then drive him out to our farm.  Pop, who had his own car, could have driven there himself, but he wouldn’t.  In the afternoons, his wife would drive out to the farm and bring Pop home.  Whenever Pop came to our farm, the children and I had to run outside and give him a hug.  If we didn’t do that Pop would become insulted and he wouldn’t come back out.

Even my son-in-law that my youngest daughter was married to, made a statement to his mother, while I was down visiting my family and his that I found to be very disturbing.  I was sitting at the table with him and his mother, when he said, “I decided that if I couldn’t love my children, I would place fear into them, instead.”  His mother’s reply, “You are wrong to do that.”

Was that what my parents did also?  If they couldn’t love me, was that why I was treated that way?  For the first time after the Holy Spirit had revealed these things to me, I cried.  I was able to finally release this emotion that I had hidden from myself for so long.  For me to be able to feel this emotion and then to act upon it, was overwhelming.  Hopefully, it meant that I would be able to feel other emotions that have laid dominion for so long that I too can release.  I hope so.

In 2014 for the 1st time in 30 years, I was in my in-laws’ house.  My grandson was going to a college that was close to where they lived.  Ron’s sister had given him permission to live in that house.  As for her parents, at that time Pop was dead and her mom was in a nursing home with Dementia.

My youngest daughter had driven to my house, picked me up, so I could help them move the various furniture around in one room, so my oldest grandson could live there.  But on the way to that house, my daughter had a bad attitude toward me, as she was very concerned how I would react, when I saw her aunt and uncle.  She, knowingly, thought that I would get angry and explode; which was what I had done after Ron’s death.  So the trip there wasn’t very pleasant for either one of us.  I was very nervous, knowing that I, for the very first time in a long while, was about to enter my in-laws’ house.  As we were driving there, I heard the Holy Spirit say, “You daughter doesn’t know you very well.  She has no idea that you are not the same person that you used to be.” He was right.  I’m not that same person, because the Holy Spirit had removed this inner anger from me.  He had replaced it with His inner peace.

Why was my dad the way he was?  Once he became obsessed with sex, he opened up his mind to evil.  My past had to be dealt with, before I could undo the evil way I was treated as a child and later as an adult.  I cannot be free, until I can deal with my emotions and realize who it was that had control over my mind. In order for me to do this, I had to become united with my feelings and my hurts.  I had to deal with being ignored, manipulated, controlled and badly treated by both my parents, my husband and Pop.  Looking back into my past, I think I understand why Dad, Mom, Ron, his parents and others did what they did.  Each one, including myself, had opened up our minds by letting the spirit of Darkness in.

What does the word “Satan” mean.  Satan is the enemy of God.  His name is Lucifer, the angel that God had threw out of the 3rd heaven.  He is the ruler of this world and of darkness.  He is the king of lies.

Why, through all my years of abuse, did I allow it to continue?  Why did I stay in a marriage, where Ron kept cheating on me?  Was it because I never thought I had the right to any form of happiness?  When I was emotionally hurt by Ron, I refused to give him the satisfaction that I was bothered by it.  Instead, I hid my emotions from myself, that I was callous to any type of feeling.

Callous means:  I was insensitive to others needs.  If I had something to say to someone, it never crossed my mind, how those words spoken, would affect them.  I had no pity for anyone.

Because I was numb in this area, the Holy Spirit had to counsel me by helping me deal with those problems, as well as, all those lies that I had believed.  This book that I am writing is also in jeopardy.  If what Mom had told me was a fact in my thinking: “That no matter what I did in my life, it would fail.” Then why should I write this book?  I know through the writing of this book, the Holy Spirit was going to release me of those lies, so I would secede.  He just had to help me believe in myself for this to happen.

No one is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  Now the Holy Spirit has to help me deal with all the hurts that I have caused onto others and onto myself as well.  Yes, my life was abusive.  This emotional and mental abuse continued into my adulthood.  Now I was being abused by my husband and his dad, Pop.  After Ron and I had gotten married and several years thereafter, we were very happy.  Was it after Ron’s boss had introduced him to pornography or was it because of the trauma Ron went through as a young child that made the difference?  Why from 1973 through the night of Ron’s death, did he continue to have his affairs?  The Lord just revealed something: when Ron’s boss had introduced him to pornography, it changed him in how he saw women.  These women were there for his enjoyment only.  Whatever, he wanted to do to us, he could.

What about Mom?  Why was she the way she was toward me?  What in he childhood had made her so bitter?  Could Mom had been abused, when she was younger?  Did Mom hate herself so much, that because I looked like her, she hated me also?  Did all her negative thinking, open up the doors for the evil one to enter?

Mom had told me that her parents didn’t have a lot of money.  Well, neither did Dad’s parents.  It was after I was dating Ron that Mom informed me about her younger brother.  She said, “My brother fought in WWII.  At the end of the war, her brother and his troop were being chased by a German tank.  That tank blow him and the others up.  Because of that there weren’t any remains left for them to bury.”  No wonder Mom didn’t like my father-in-law, once she found out that he was German and during the war, he was in a German tank division.  Even though Ron told me that his dad was stationed at a different location then that of where Mom’s brother had died, it didn’t seem to help much. My dad’s parents came from Italy to the United States after WWI.  As for Mom, her parents were born and grew up in the United States.  Ron’s parents and their children came to the United States after WWII. Ron was 8 years old then.

Ron, his brother and sister and their parents were born in a small German town in Yugoslavia.  Both of Ron’s grandparents were the riches people in that town.  The stories that Ron and his mom tell about their past, are so tragic.  I have no idea what had happened to Ron’s grandparents, but it must have been devastating, because Ron nor his mom ever mentions them again.

During WWII Germans came into that town and they gave the men there a choice.  They could either fight in the German army or dig their own graves.  Those that refused, were shot.  Ron’s dad, who was in his late twenties, chose to fight in their army.  Several times during the war, either a group of Germans or Russians would come into their town and  take the healthy children away.  Ron was almost one of them.  As Ron tells it: “A Russian soldier had placed me into the back of his truck with the other children.  But before this soldier could close the tailgate, I jumped out.  I ran into the hospital, where one of the nurses wrapped a towel around my head, then she placed me into a bed, saving my life.”

Later, as his mom tells it: “The mountain people who lived above our town, decided that they wanted to live in our homes.  They forced all the woman and children out of their homes, we were then placed into prison camps.  Later on, due to the cruelty of these men, they separated our children from us.  Our children were placed into one prison camp, and we were placed into another one.”

Ron continues: “Because there was very little food, I found a sharp stick that I would hunt animals with.  One or two times I had fallen onto this stick that went into my eye, popping it out.  But I was quickly rushed to a doctor, who was able to save that eye and I never lost any vision in it.”

A few years ago when I told this to my counselor, I stated that there had to be foul play.  I said,”I’m sure these children were raped, as were the women.”  She agreed.  I have no idea how long Ron and his siblings were separated from their mom, but eventually, they were placed back together.

After WWII was over, Ron, his siblings and their mom were still in the prison camp.  But Ron’s mom was fortunate, as she had relatives living in America.  They sent he clothes with cigarettes sown inside the lining.  Ron’s mom paid these cigarettes to the guards for her and her children freedom.  Then she with her three children had to walk across Yugoslavia and Germany to find her husband, hoping that he was still alive and willing to accept her as his wife.  For she had heard that some husbands denied being married and those wives with their children were sent back to Yugoslavia.  Pop never mentions the war.  Who knows what he had to go through, once he was forced into the German army.

Did he decide to fight in that army after he saw them kill his dad or his father-in-law?  Or, did the men in that army threaten to kill his family if he didn’t fight?  He had to do, what he had to do, to survive.  For years he had to kill the enemies.  One of his enemies were the troops of the United States of America.  When he united with his wife, once the war was over, he was very happy to see them.  Then in July of 1955, he with his family came over to the United States.  On July 11 he and his wife became United States citizens.  Then after he and his family rented an apartment in Hell’s Kitchen; which is in New York city, both he and his wife got jobs working late hours.  Ron who was 8 years old with his older brother and his younger sister, were left in their apartment to fend for themselves.

Hurt people will hurt other people.  I was hurting.  I hurt my children and others, unintentionally.  I was so angry with everyone after Ron’s death that I didn’t even recognize who I was.  I found everything so confusing.  Here I thought that I had trusted Jesus, but in reality, I’m not so sure that I really did.

I guess throughout my entire life, I have been very depressed.  I just didn’t notice it, or was it because I refused to acknowledge it?  Depression means: an emotional condition of hopelessness.  I, unknowingly, accepted things as normal.  I blamed and I punished myself by thinking that I wasn’t worthy of any type of happiness, ever.  That was also a lie from Satan.  It was a shame that after I had lost my husband, I didn’t go to a Christian counselor then.  Maybe if I had, my life would have been so much better.  I wouldn’t have listened to the advice from other people, who told me to sell my horses.  I would have kept them and sold the cattle instead.

I don’t think I really took Jesus seriously.  Or did I?  Because it was Jesus, Who had always gotten me out of difficult situations.  Even though I had promised Him things, did I really know Him like I should have?  If I did, why then did I treat my children and others, the way I had?  Who is Jesus Christ?  He is the Son of God. After Jesus had died and He rose from the dead and was seated next to God Almighty in heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit, Who now lives in my body.  My body became His temple.  Even though my spirit man was saved, my soul wasn’t.  The Holy Spirit had to heal my soul of its wounds.  But before He could do this, I had to first give the Holy Spirit permission to take control over my soul; which was my mind, my will and my emotions.  Once this was done, He had to help me deal with the different traumas of my past.  Then once I had remembered them and I had forgiven those people, I was set free of those painful memories.

Dear Heavenly Father, I ask You in Jesus name to remove this negative thinking that I have been believing throughout these years.  Now I understand why I feel the way that I do.  Please release me from this feeling, Father. Please help me remove from my thinking, these negative thoughts that  have held me captive.  I understand now, why I have had so many health problems.  This stress that I had to endure, has been overwhelming.  Please remove this stress and set me free of all Satan’s lies.  Amen.

Once Christ came into my life, I was born again.  My spirit man was instantly made perfect.  Once Jesus died and rose again, He was able to sent the Holy Spirit into my life.    The Holy Spirit through this writing has shown me so much.  It is time that I change my negative thinking to that of God’s.

I understand why Jesus came into my life, when He did.  Thank You for counseling me, Holy Spirit and opening up my eyes to the truth, where I am now set free of these torments.

This year 2015 the Holy Spirit once more became my Counselor.  He had helped me where I am free of those past abusive relationships and those traumas. My slate has been wiped clean forever. Check out John 16:7 & 13.

Now the Lord can send me the man that He said I would one day marry.  But before He does, the Holy Spirit has to teach me the correct way to date.  Because of my childhood abuse, I wasn’t able to date correctly.  But now in my Senior years, I am dating.  As my friend Jean instruct me, she said, “Whatever each man ask you to do, you should have fun doing it.  But only you can make the decision on how far you want to go.  Think of yourself as a teenager.  You are trying on each male to find out what characteristic you like in each one.  So when the correct man comes along, you will know that it was the Lord, Who sent him.”

In 1978 when my Father God bought me to my house, it took me awhile before I realized the importance of this house.  My house is my home.  My refuge from the outside world.  My safe place where I could take my time dealing with my past.  Once that was done all my problems would be erased and I would be free of them all at last. Check out John 14:23,25; John 15:1-9 &12

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