Chapter 8: Mistakes Made

I was an abused child.  Now when I look into a mirror, I do not see the true me.  Instead, I see someone else.  My thinking is distorted.  As a child, I believed that my parents would love, care, guide and protect me into my adulthood.  But that didn’t happen.  By being abused, what did I lose?  They took away my childhood fun, my hope and my self-respect. My future would only bring sorrow and pain.

I used to feel alone in this world, that was until I heard about Jesus Christ; then my life changed for the better.  This relationship that I now have with Christ has changed all of that.  I am no longer alone in this world.  I have Jesus, God Almighty and the Holy Spirit, Who have now taken up residence in me.  With the Trinity living inside, I have nothing to fear.  The Holy Spirit has taught me that everyone in this world has made mistakes.  They are not perfect and neither am I.

Jesus said, “Whosoever, receives, accepts and welcomes this child in My name, also welcomes Me.”  

After my husband and I had gotten married, that summer we worked together at a VA hospital in Brooklyn, New York.  My job was filling out the orders forms, when blood work or other things were requested by the doctors for a certain patient.  I wasn’t very good at it though.  I made my mistakes.  Even though that patient was discharged from the hospital, I should have scheduled those tests to be done later on in the future.  This confused me.  Why didn’t I ask someone to help me achieve this?  Instead, I did nothing and I told no one about it.

Another mistake that I had made, was when I was working for a veterinarian in Wheaton, Maryland. I got to work earlier that morning.  There was a woman, who came into the clinic with a rabbit and its litter.  She asked, if she could drop them off there and I said that she could.  I thought that the doctor wouldn’t mind, but he did.  So I lied.  I told him that I had found these rabbits on the door step, when I got there.  Why did I lie?  I guess because of how he responded.

Heavenly Father, Please forgive me for lying and not asking someone to help me.  Help me understand myself.  Help me deal with my past and set me free, so I can get well: physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Amen.

Lord Jesus, Help me deal with the death of my baby and set me free from that memory, also.

In 1973 I had gotten pregnant for the 3rd time.  I had mixed feeling about this baby.  Something in my past was haunting me.  That something, was being overlooked by my parents.  In my negative thinking, I reasoned, that the only reason why I was unloved, was because I was a middle child.  But in reality that wasn’t true.  My thinking was distorted.  I then reasoned: if I had this baby, my middle child would be ignored.  So I decided that I didn’t want this baby.  I did nothing to harm myself, so my child wouldn’t be born, but my attitude was still bad.  Ron wanted this baby.  He wanted a son.  That was another reason, why I didn’t want this child.  If it was a son, Ron would give all of his attention to him and not his daughters.

Did I have a spirit of fear living inside?  Yes, I did.  Was I judging something that wasn’t real?  Was it because I was naive, immature and unhappy that I wasn’t able to reason correctly?  If this child was born, did I have enough love for him or her?

I prayed, asking Jesus to take it home to heaven.  This baby/fetus was only twelve weeks old, when I had that miscarriage.  My husband didn’t want to tell his parents, what they had done.  I told him not to.  Instead, they blamed me for the death of my baby.  I was told, because I rode horses, it killed my baby.

But was it really my fault that it died?  If I had loved it and wanted it to be born, that baby would be alive today.  But instead, I had asked Jesus to take it home to heaven.  Did those words that I had spoken, kill my baby?  Was I a bad mother?

Dearest Lord Jesus, Please forgive me for asking You to take my baby home.  That baby would have been a blessing, when born.  I was very selfish to ask that of You.

My in-laws were wrong to place that iron board into the closet, instead of bringing it back into the laundry room.  If they had, when I opened up that closet door, that iron board wouldn’t have hit me, causing me to lose my baby.  They made a mistake.  But I can’t blame them for the death of my child.  It was the words that I had spoken out loud that created this problem.  In the Bible it says that once words are spoken out loud, they become alive and active.  I know that my words that I had spoken, killed my baby.

Mathew 15:18-19:  But whatever come out of the mouth comes from the heart, and this is what makes a man unclean and defiles [him].  For out of the heart comes evil thoughts (reasoning, and disputing and designs) such as murder……and irreverent speech.  (amplified Bible)

Lord Jesus, I am so sorry that I spoke those words out loud about not wanting my 3rd child.  By my confessing that I didn’t want my child, I murdered it.  Please forgive me and help me to think before I speak, so I won’t create this problem again.

I also ask you, my baby, to forgive me.  I am so sorry that I spoke those words about you.  You would have been a wonderful child.  I know that I would have loved you also.  Amen.

I also know that the words that I had spoken to Ron, caused his death.  Several months before his death, I had asked Jesus, why did I need Ron around.  I told Jesus that I would be better off without him.  But later, I confronted my husband about the affair he was having.  I then said, “I do not believe in divorce.  In the Bible it says, when two people join together in marriage, they are to stay together until one of them dies.”  I then said, “Unto death, do you part.”  A few months later, he died.

I found out recently from my youngest daughter, what I had said to them after Ron’s death.  I had placed them both on the couch, then I told them how much I hated them.  I don’t remember saying that, but apparently I had.  I do remember telling my youngest brother, “I loved you yesterday and I will love you tomorrow, but I hate you today.”  Why did I tell him that?  It was just that day and how I was feeling.  After all, I reasoned, he had someone to enjoy life with, but I didn’t.  I was so depressed, sad and mad that others had spouses and mine was dead.

I also realize, why my oldest daughter has nothing to do with me now.  In my other book that I had written, “with all the things that I did wrong, I couldn’t understand why she still talks to me.”  Once more, I spoke those negative words out loud, and I am now dealing with the consequences.

Heavenly Father, Please help me, not speak anymore negative words again.  I have hurt those that I dearly love.  I do thank You for reaching out and helping me, when I have fallen.  Please, lift me up, teach me Jesus, Your ways and Your truth.

Dearest Jesus, Please mend my relationship with my oldest daughter. 

To my children: I made a lot of mistakes throughout my life.  I have also said things that were very hurtful to each one of you.  Please forgive me for these shortcomings.

Negative words can kill.  Words, such as, “I hate you.”  “You will never amount to anything.”  “I wish you were never born.”  These words spoken, can kill a child’s confidence, like it did me.  What a difference my life would have been, if I  had heard encouraging words.  “You are beautiful.”  “I’m glad that you are born!” “I love you very much.”  I would have grown up, knowing how important I was in my parents’ eyes.  Then I could look forward to a brighter tomorrow.

What is distorted love?  Distort means misrepresent; change the normal pattern.  Love means affection.  A deep and tender feeling toward someone.  But when these two words are placed together, it produces chaos.

As a child, I was told by both parents how much they loved me.  But, as they were telling me this, they did bad things to me.  My dad sexually molested me.  My mom ignored me.  So  when I grew up this word “love” had no meaning.  It was just a word.

In the Bible Jesus says to Love each other.  There is that word again.  Why would anyone want to be loved and hurt at the same time?  This was very confusing to me.  That was until I sought someone, who helped me understand, who  I really was!  My life, because of the way I was raised, I ended up marrying a man who also told me how much he loved me, only to have affairs.  Again, this word “love” brought pain.

Jesus said in the Bible: Love others, as I love myself.  I had to stop and think.  Do I really love myself?  Also, do I really know who I am?  God commands us to love each other.  He sent Jesus down to earth to teach us about love.  Then Jesus died for us, by taking the sins upon His shoulders.  So all of us would have eternal life.

“That’s nice,” I thought.  So what was it that I was missing.  I realized that because of what my parents did to me as a child, I had hidden my feelings, not only from them but from me also.  I do not have any feelings.  Why?  Because I have placed a wall around myself, where I won’t let anyone in.

One Christmas day I asked Jesus, “Father, I need to know, who I really am.”  That January of 2008 I told my pastor that I needed someone to counsel me.  Another member of my church did.  But before we talked, he prayed. “Holy Spirit reveal these things to her.”

At home the Holy Spirit had me realize that as a child, because I had hidden my feelings, so well, that I didn’t have feelings.  They were distorted.  Because they were,when I was married and I had children, I didn’t know how to related to them.  In fact, what Mom had said was true.  She always told me that I was the kind of mother that she was.  As she put it, “caring.”  But she wasn’t.  And now I understand that I was like her, uncaring.

Before this took place, when someone showed kindness toward me, I was waiting for the bad to follow.  But not now.  I understand way these people have been reaching out to me.  They were showing me through the different things they did, how much they really cared.

I watched one day, as my best friend and her husband came over to my house and gave me a radio.  I watched, as my twin sister gave me money to help me out.  I watched, as my youngest daughter with her two sons drove five hours to see me, even though they stayed for only one night.  God showed me what true love was all about.  I guess, because of my upbringing, I never trusted anyone.  I thought people’s motives were to abuse me, but that isn’t true.  They do have a motive, but that motive is to love.

This weekend has been wonderful.  I got to see my youngest daughter and my grandsons.  Sunday at church, people came up to me and we hugged.  We talked.  They enjoyed having me around.  Again, they did this out of love.  So slowly, God is reprogramming me.  He is closing the doors of my hidden feelings about distorted love.   He is awaking this emotion of true love, so I can express it to others.

Thank You Lord Jesus for what You have done.

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