The Battle Rages On

For many years, I and other intercessors have been praying for the different presidential elections.  Even though the battle was the Lord’s, I have taken my stand with other Intercessors to be a spokesman for God through Jesus Christ, here on earth.  I have taken my place as God’s representative to fight against the battles in heavenly places.  When needed,  I have called the angels of the Lord, His war angels down from heaven onto the earth, to fight against the spirits of darkness.

This century God has called His Elijah’s together and I am one of them.  Now that we have the internet, it is a joy to stand with other intercessors and pray for our nation to become under God once more.  In the Bible it says, “If two or more pray together, God will answer our prayers.”

A few months ago, during a conference phone call, I with other intercessors prayed for President Trump’s protection.  Before we stated praying, I could sense in the heavenly realm that there was a lot of chaos going on.  But once we had finished this conference call, I now felt a shifting in the heavenly realm.  I could feel God’s peace, instead.

What people do not understand is, this war that we are fighting, is not only against people, but also against the spirits in heavenly places.  It states this in Ephesians 6: 12- For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere. (Amp. Bible)

This battle in the supernatural sphere is real.  Satan and his demons are fighting to keep control over the USA.  They want to destroy God’s chosen.  If they can destroy us, we will no long be a threat.  So the attacks continue.   If Satan can make us believe his lies, and we act upon them, he has won.

Ephesians 6: 10  In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [be empowered through your union with Him]; draw your strength from Him [that strength which His boundless might provides]. :11 Put on God’s whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier which God supplies], that you may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the strategies and the deceits of the devil. :13 Therefore put on God’s complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day [of danger] and having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]. (Amp. Bible)

I was praying and I was winning the battle against Satan and his demons.  Then on March 16, I went to my vascular doctor for my six month checkup.  When the tests were completed, I saw this doctor.  I was told  by him that my right Carotid Artery was severely blocked.   He suggested that this surgery needed to be done, as quickly as possible, or I might have a stroke.  On March 21 this surgery was done.

I trusted God.  I knew that He would take care of me.  But after my surgery was done, and I was in the hospital bed, later on in the night I became frightened.  So frightened, to the point that I ask the nurse, if there was a minister that would come to my room and pray for me.  What I think happened? Because I was so weak, the enemy, Satan’s army was able to attack me through my mind.  If they could convince me that I wasn’t going to make it, I would fall.

Ephesians 6: 14 Stand therefore [hold your ground], having tightened the belt of truth around your loins and having put on the breastplate of integrity and of moral rectitude and right standing with God, :15 And having shod your feet in preparation [to face the enemy with the firm-footed stability, the promptness and the readiness produced by the good news] of the Gospel of peace. :16 Lift up over all the [covering] shield of saving faith, upon which you can quench all the flaming missiles of the wicked [one]. (Amp. Bible)

That night in that hospital room, I was hoping a spiritual filled pastor, who could to pray for me.  But the only person, that came was a priest.  I did try to contact the pastor at my church building, who was a spirit filled Christian, but for some reason or another, we never got to speak to one another.  After this priest had prayed for me, I felt relaxed and I was able to sleep.  That following day I went home.

Ephesians 6:17  And take the helmet of salvation and the sword that the Spirit wields, which is the Word of God. :18  Pray at all times (on every occasion, in every season) in the Spirit, with all [manner of] prayer and entreaty.  To that end keep alert and watch with strong purpose and perseverance, interceding in behalf of all he saints (God’s consecrated people). (Amp. Bible)

Before I was release from the hospital the doctor wanted me to take a strong medicine.  I should have know better than to take it.  For several years now, my body would not tolerate medicine.  I could take an antibody one day, and the next day my body would reject it.  It got so bad that in November of 2015 my body would no longer accept any type of medicine given to me by the doctors.  So I had to find someone else to help me.  That person I found gave me herbs, instead.

Once I started taking her herbs, I felt a lot better.  But later on, I noticed, that when I took these herbs, my mind wasn’t the same.  I would be having a great conversation with my friend, then once I took those herbs, my mind would go blank.  One time, when I first stated on these different herbs, when I went to a store, I had a panic attack.  I could also hear voices inside my head.  This never happened to me before.  Later, I noticed that my mood would change and I would become extremely angry.  I felt that I was being drugged.  So in the early part of March 2016 I stopped taking those herbs.  When I did, I got chills and I was very tired.  I believe that I was taking a drug that I became addicted to.

That Friday my daughter was going to come up and check on me.  In the meantime I had someone staying with me at my house.  After we ate breakfast, I sat down in the Living Room and I watched television.  Later, when I looked up , I saw my daughter and my grandson standing there.  I had no idea when they had arrived.  Then I heard my daughter tell me that there was an ambulance that she had called, outside.  She later informed me that when she came to my house and she asked me some questions, the answers I gave her, had nothing to do with the questions she had asked.  She was concern that I was having a stroke and that was why she had called for an ambulance. They took me to the hospital that was in my county, where tests were done on my brain, to see if anything thing was wrong.  Nothing was.  Then I was sent home.

After everyone had left and I was home by myself, something in my mind just snapped.  I became very confused.  Then I got very depressed.  I no longer cared about anything.  All that I wanted to do, was get rid of my animals and my house and move to a place where others would take care of me.  I no longer had the desire to pray, nor did I want to read my Bible.   In reality, I just gave up and this depression lasted for a long time.

But the Holy Spirit was faithful.  He was there leading me through this time of uncertainty.  I knew that something was wrong in my mind, but I didn’t know how to change it. Finally on April 9th when I got out of bed, I said to the Lord, “You called me to be Yours.  You have chosen me and given me to Jesus Christ that day He died on the cross.  My life You have written in Your book.  Only You know what I will be doing today, because I don’t.   Help me Lord, to achieve this.”   Right after I had said that, the depression left.

What had happened?  Satan had taken control over my mind.  When everyone left my house and I was all by myself, I was scared.  I didn’t know how I was going to survive on my own.  The spirits of darkness were counting on this, when they placed this fear in my mind.  From March 25th until April 9th, before the Holy Spirit had revealed to me what was happening, I was under attack.  I tried giving my dog away, and I almost placed my house up for sale.

Then once more, I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit.  He was helping me understand what was happening.  I no longer wanted to move or get rid on my animals.  Nor did I want others to care for me.  I knew that there was a reason why God had sent me to this county 23 years ago.  I had a church family that I use to go to.  I needed to go back to that former church that dealt in Brotherly Love.  April 10th, I did.  The people there were so friendly.  What I wanted to happen, did.  I could feel the love that I so desperately needed in this church of Philadelphia.

Revelation  3: 7- And to the angel (messenger) of the assembly Church of Philadelphia write: These are the words of the Holy One, the True One, He Who has the key of David, Who opens and no one shall shut, Who shuts and no one shall open: :8 I know your [record of] works and what you are doing.  See! I have set before you a door wide open which no one is able to shut; I know that you have but little power, and yet you have kept My Word and guarded My message and have not renounced or denied My name. :9 Take note! I will make those of the synagogue of Satan who say they are Jews and are not, but lie- behold, I will make them come and bow down before your feet and learn and acknowledge that I have loved you. :10 Because you have guarded and kept My word of patient endurance [have held fast the lesson of My patience with the expectant endurance that I give you], I also will keep you [safe] from the hour of trial (testing) which is coming on the whole earth to try those who dwell on the earth. :11 I am coming quickly; hold fast what you have, so that no one may rob you and deprive you of your crown. :12 He who overcomes (is victorious), I will make him a pillar in the sanctuary of My God; he shall never be put out of it or go out of it, and I will write on him the name of My God and the name of the city of My God, the new Jerusalem, which descends from My God out of heaven, and My own new name. (Amp. Bible)

As I was talking to my friend Jean, I said, “This attack by Satan, shouldn’t have surprised me.  It was because I was so happy praying with the other intercessors, and that was why Satan tried to take me out.  But thanks be to God, I may be in a battle, but this battle belongs to God not me.  My job is to stand still and rest, as this battle is won.

Now that I am back, I’m more of a threat to Satan than ever.  I’m ready to fight against the spirits of darkness.  I’m ready to pray with the other 3,000 intercessors through our conference calls.  I’m ready to stand and fight in the Spiritual realm for President Trump and others where our country, the United States of America, will once more be a country that seek after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Chapter 12 : What Christianity is?

What Christianity is?  It is a living and loving relationship between myself, as a  Christian, and the Trinity: God Almighty, Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. I am so glad that Jesus Christ has always intervened in my life.  He has been there helping, guiding and directing my path.  Even though I had problems, He  made sure that everything would always work out for my good.

My new beginning started, when the Holy Spirit on October of 1988, stopped me from putting the gun to my head.  February of 1989, I had gotten a job working at a Christian Book Store.  There I witnessed to the manager, who was a Baptist, about how the Holy Spirit can still talk to people today.  Several months later, I decided that I was going to quit my job.  As I was telling this to that manager, he wasn’t surprised.  Instead, he told me that the Holy Spirit had told him that I was going to quit.

June of 1989 I went to a school to become  an animal photographer.  While I was in that photography school, I had told the teachers that some day I wanted to make personalized calendars for my customers. Within the 1st year, after I had opened up my animal studio, “Vita Animal Photography, Inc.” in Atlanta, GA, I achieved this.  This is what Christianity is.  Trusting in a God that care so much for me that He was willing to help me achieve these things.

What Christianity is?  Is trusting in a God that cares so much, that He is there helping a believer achieve their goals.  What Christianity is not?  It is not just a religion. It is learning to know who God, His Son and the Holy Spirit are in a personal way.

As a small child, my mom took me to a Lutheran Church, where she had enrolled me into their Sunday School Classes.  When I was seven years old I had asked Jesus into my heart.  I was sixteen years old, when I received my certificate of confirmation and a King James Bible of my very own. During the Confirmation ceremony I was asked, ” Do you believe in Jesus Christ? I answered, “I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord.  Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary; suffered under Pontius Pilate.  He (Jesus) was crucified, dead and buried.  He descended into hell.  On the 3rd day He rose again from the dead.  He ascended into heaven and now sits at the right hand of God, Father Almighty.  From thence He shall come to judge the quick and the dead.”

Christians that are taught the basic, like I was,  and nothing more, think: “As long as I try to do what God wants, I will be O.K.  After all, since I believe in Jesus Christ, when He comes back, I will be taken up into heaven, so I won’t have to go through the tribulation period that is coming on the earth.”

A Christian is the church that Jesus Christ is coming back for.  When they go to a church building, they are there to congregate with other (church) believers.

Throughout my life, after I had received that strong craving to read the book of  Revelation that is in the Christian Bible, the Lord had a plan for my life.   Years later, He would send me to different church buildings, where I always became close friends to the pastors.  The Holy Spirit had placed me there, to give the pastor a message from the Lord.  Many of the messages that I had to tell them, were about the things that they were doing wrong.  After I had told them this, many pastors didn’t want me around anymore.  Why?  Because they chose to disobey what God wanted them to do.  Once that happened, I would stay at that church building until God gave me His permission to leave it.  Then I would.

There was a message that the Holy Spirit had given me on January 2, 2000.  This message was a warning to God’s people, the Christians.

I am the Lord God Almighty; the One and Only Jesus Christ, Who will reign forever with My people, who have been obedient to Me.  I am the One they are to seek and listen to and no one else.  I am the One, Who will set free those that have been surrendering and doing what I am telling them to do.  I am coming back for my perfect church and I will not tolerate anything less.  I know that My people think it will be a long time before I come back.  That is a lie from the Pits of Hell.  My people think that they can do what they want to, by treating their brothers and sisters, who have surrendered their lives to Me, like dirt.  They cannot.  I will take their names out of the book of life, because they are attacking My chosen.  

Some Christians that go to a church building, think that they are being obedient to Me.  That is a lie from Hell.  They are being misinformed.  Their thinking is not what I have placed into their hearts.  These Christians think, they can praise My name and put themselves up on a pedestal, where others would praise them.  They are not walking with Me, but are walking with the one that I had cast out of my heaven into total darkness.

My church, which are individuals, is going to be split.  The faithful Christians will remain, but the unfaithful Christians will be cast out.  My church (Christians) in this century will be more powerful then they were in any part of history until now.  I am not going to allow these Christians to play their games.  Because I have a time schedule to keep.  No one know when it is.  Only My Father in heaven knows the time or the hour of My coming.

Look to the sky and see the changing of the seasons.  Look up to the sky and seek after Me.  For when I come, I will be powerful, so powerful that the earth will shake and all mankind will try to hide from this event that will take place.  Don’t you, church, try to place yourselves higher than Me.  I am the One that will give each Christian that goes to a church building, the pastors that I have ordained to be there.  Satan can try to destroy it, but he and his demons will fail.  I am the most Powerful Being that ever was.  I will come and I will conquer.  Anyone who gets in My way, will be destroyed.  Who Am I?  I Am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.  Have faith in Me and Me only and I will place you about the nations, to rule during the 1,000 year reign.

Who do these Christians think they are, fooling themselves, when they try to treat My chosen badly?  Do they think, because they are so great, and I tell them to do something, they choose not to?  Nor do they have to lay down their lives for Me?  Satan thought the same thing, before I throw him out of the 3rd heaven into the the 2nd heaven; which was in total darkness.  With him were also the other angels that had rebelled against Me.

What must these Christians do, who have placed themselves over everyone else?  They must fall on their faces and seek after Me.  When I tell them to “go,” they must obey quickly.  I am coming to set these Christians free from the hurts of their past.  But before I do, these fallen Christians must fall on their faces and cry out to Me for their safety.  I will not honor those that do not honor Me.

Who do these Christians think they are, by being disobedient to what I say?  Why they think they are so important, is a lie from hell.  My angels will place a mark upon My people’s heads.  The spirit of darkness will know who they are.  Satan and his demons will also know that they cannot touch any of My chosen, until I give the command for it to be so.  This time is very serious and if My people who say they know Me, are not walking in love, but liars, will be sent into the Pits of Hell for eternity.  

I Am, Whom I am and I will do what I say.  No one or any evil thing will be allowed to fall on the ones I have ordained to come up with Me in a cloud.  When they do, those Christians, who have placed themselves higher than Me, will cry and weep, when they are left behind, to go through the tribulation period that is soon coming onto the face of the earth.  All pastors better get their church buildings in order.  I have sent My prophets and prophetesses to these church buildings.  They are there praying for those, who are the leaders of those church buildings, their spouses and those who are saying that they walk with Me.  But My pastors must get wise, watch, seek and surrender to Me through their obedience in what I am telling them to do.  For if they are not, they will be required to face the penalty of death for those in their congregation, whom they had led astray.

The only Christians that I want up in My kingdom are those whom have surrendered to Me.  Whom I can trust.  I don’t accept the evil that is in this world done by My saints, who say they love Me, but don’t even know how to get along with their own brothers and sisters in the Lord.  Who do these Christians think they are, to laugh at a God, Who had sent His Son to die on the cross for them? 

Only the righteous will make it into Eternal Life.  The door is being shut.  When it is, those that thought they knew Me, will be locked out into Eternal Darkness forever.    What am I saying?  My church, open up your eyes to what the prophets and prophetesses are saying.  The time is shorter than others think is possible.  If they do not surrender to Me, they too will be destroyed.  The door is being shut.  When it is, it will be just like it was in the days of Noah.  My chosen will be saved, but those that were disobedient will be destroyed and they will suffer, for they will be going through the tribulation period.  When this happens, they will fall into temptation and they will be lost forever.  I Am, the Great I Am, Jesus.

I will not accept disobedience anymore.  Those that are not following whole heartily with Me will be cast out.  Then and only then will My people become the Church of Philadelphia.  The church of brotherly love.  This is the year that things will happen.  When the door is totally shut, the tribulation period will start and when it does, My children, the church, will be brought up unto Me in a cloud.

I asked the Holy Spirit this question, “What can be done, Father?”  Their obedience must be true.  If not, I will not even acknowledge whom these people are, when they pray to Me.  My ears will not hear their voices.  My angels will not be around them, for their protection.  They must surrender to Me, before it is to late.  The door has already started closing.

Who is God?  He is the Supreme Ruler, Who through His Word (Christ) spoke everything into existence.  God through the Word, called into existence the earth and all the things  He desired for it to have. He also made man in His own image, which was out of the dust of the earth.

John 1:1 In the beginning [before all time] was the Word (Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God Himself. :14 And the Word (Christ) became flesh [human, incarnate) and tabernacled (fixed His tent of flesh, lived awhile) among us; and we [actually] saw His glory as an only begotten son receives from his father, full of grace (favor, loving-kindness) and truth. (Amp. Bible)

Lord God Almighty loved mankind so much that He chose to take part of Himself by choosing the Virgin Mary as the mother that would bring the Word, His Son into the world.  Jesus would teach us during that time about Father God.

Then Jesus took it upon Himself, not only our sins, but also our wounded souls of our past hurts, and He placed them upon His shoulders.  He then allowed Satan and his demons to come upon Him, where He suffered that terrible death of abuse before and on the cross.  During that time His Father, Lord God Almighty had to look the other way, while His Son was being cruelly treated.

But Lord God had a plan, when He sent His Son into the world to save mankind.  When Jesus Christ rose from the dead, Jesus became the 2nd Adam, who was not made out of dust, but He was made from heaven.  So we Christians  was a gift that God had given to His Son.  We were the people who had chosen from the Tree of Good and Evil, to obey God Almighty and not Satan.  Our God is loving, kind and caring and was willing to sacrifice His Son, so mankind had a way out of Satan’s plan.

Then Jesus sent the Holy Spirit into us, to teach us how to live our lives and how to honor God Almighty.  Read the Gospel according to John, Chapter 6.  It explains it all.

I’m so glad that Jesus hasn’t come back yet, to take His children home.  There are so many people in this world that need to hear about Jesus and be saved, so they too can have  eternal life.

Also, any church (Christian)  that goes to a church building, is there to worship and praise their King. Their heavenly Father, God Almighty.

Chapter 11:My Special Gift

I realized that God had given me a special gift, when it came to animals.  I could communicate with them in a special way.   I decided, to buy myself a young colt that I could train.  But in order for me to buy this colt, I had to buy his mother, also.  His mom was a farm horse that pulled a plow.  She was eight years old, solid black and stood fourteen points and two hands tall.  She was so gentle that my youngest daughter, who named her “Nancy,” enjoyed riding her.  But her colt that I named “Dusty” was only three months old.  He was buckskin and his mane, tail and stocking legs were black.  On his forehead was a white dot.

Since Dusty was too young to be ridden, I would lounge him on a lead line.  During that time I would teach him the various voice commands, which were Walk, Trot, Canter and Stop.  I  was very patient, even on those days when he was stubborn and he refused, to listen.  I never yelled or hit him during that time.  I was always calm and gentle even on those days, when it took me hours to get him to listen to my command.  But when that lesson was over, I had won. As he grew older, I was able to place a small saddle onto his back.  Then I would lounge him on that lead line, to get him use to it.

When Dusty finally turned two and a half years old, I could finally ride him.  The first time I got onto his back, he just stood there.  He trusted me and I trusted him completely.  Not once, did he try to buck or throw me off.  Whatever voice command I gave him, he responded to it.  When he was well trained, I rode him out on the trails.  Because he was so gentle, anyone could ride him. My oldest daughter was one of them.  She became my helper.  She would take lessons on Dusty.  Her instructor, Gwen, would teach her how to give the correct leg signals, so Dusty would get into his correct gait.

My youngest daughter also took ridding lessons on her horse Nancy.  But one day when we came out to the barn, we noticed that Nancy was limping.  Another horse out in the pasture had kicked her in her shoulder.  A doctor came out to examine her.  He told me that she was lame and could never be ridden again.  I sold her to a farm, hoping that she would be able to pull a plow.  Then I bought my youngest daughter, a show pony.  My daughter named him “Diamond.”

One night I received a phone call from Gwen.  She wanted me to buy a young horse that she had gotten at a slaughterhouse.  She didn’t have the heart, to see him killed.   She asked me if I would buy him.  I did.  This colt was one and a half years old.  He also had a very bad cold.  Once he was over his cold, I started his training.  I lounged him, like I did with Dusty.  He caught on very quickly.  On this colt’s forehead was a strange looking star.  It resembles the North Star and that was how he got his name.  I called him “Northern Star.” He was brown with a black mane and tail.  On his legs were white and black, checkered socks.  Once he was completely trained, my oldest daughter rode and showed him.  Every show that they were in, they won first place.

When I first bought Dusty, I never intended to buy another one.  Because  I did such a good job training the different horses to be ridden, other people, who couldn’t control their own horses, would ask me to buy theirs.   One horse led to another.  Before too long, I owned seven horses.  My husband wasn’t to happy about this.  In 1978 the owner of the pasture decided to build a 22 stall barn.  They asked me if I would be their manager.  I accepted.  In exchange for my working there, they gave me free pasture board for all my horses.  This made Ron very happy.

The only problem that I had, while working there, was what my husband expected me to wear.  He didn’t want our neighbors to find out that I was working in a stable.  Every morning I had to put on a dress, stocking and high-heeled shoes.  In a bag were my working clothes.  Before I could take care of the horses, I had to change my clothes first.  I worked there for several months, then I had to quit, because my husband wanted me to watch his sister’s children that following summer.  Since her children and mine were close to the same age, we had a great time together.

One of the horses that I had bought, was from Sandy.  Her horse “Tally Pride” was a young filly, who was two and a half years old.  Sandy would ride this young horse without a saddle.  At the end of the trail, this young horse would run out into the road and rear up.  Sandy would fall off.  She grew tired of this.  So I bought her horse.  I had to retrain Tally Pride, but once I did, she became and wonderful horse.  Finally Sandy bought herself an older horse.

Whenever, I would go out to the barn and call to my horses, Sandy’s horse would always come up with mine.  A few months later, when I called to my horses to come up, so I could feed them, Sandy’s horse wasn’t with them.  I thought that was odd.  I went out into the pasture, looking for him.  He was no where to be found.  I also noticed that there were two others horses, missing.  I drove over to the owner of the pasture’s house, to find out, if he had moved them anywhere else.  He said that he hadn’t.  Someone had stolen these three horses.

I got my Christian friends together and we prayed, asking Lord Jesus to help the police find these people, who had stolen them.  Our prayer was answered.  The police traced the thieves back to our barn.  Three people were involved.  One was a woman and the others were two men.  The woman had her horse on full board in the stable; the two men had horses in the pasture.  They needed money quickly.  Their plan was, they would come out each day and watch, to see who came out the least to feed their horses.  Those that did, were the horses they took. That same day, these horses were sold to a slaughterhouse.

I was so glad that I came out each day.  Mine could have been the ones stolen.  If Sandy’s horse hadn’t always come up with my horses, I probably wouldn’t have missed him.  The thieves were counting on that. I’m so thankful that Jesus sent me out to the barn, when He did and I noticed.  I often wonder about Northern Star.  Gwen had bought him at a slaughterhouse.  Was he stolen and sold there?  Gwen thought that the people just didn’t want him anymore.  But maybe, he too, was stolen!

 

Chapter 10:Don’t Doubt, Believe

Why, is it taking me so long, to grasp what Jesus is trying to teach me?  Is it because I don’t fully understand the ways of the Lord?  Every time Jesus tries to teach me something new, I don’t seem to comprehend, how to achieve this.  Then once that revelation finally hits, it is like a light bulb going off in my brain. “That was so simple.”  I would say to myself.  Then why did it take me so long to catch on?  What the Lord was trying to teach me, this time, was about my health.  Why can’t I accept the fact that I am healed?  What am  I missing?  I tried different ways to find this out.  I prayed.  I study the Word.  I even searched for the answers, by reading how Jesus walked, without allowing any of these things to come upon Him.  If Jesus Christ could do this, and I am part of His family, so can I.  That was easy to say, but hard to do.

I was still missing something.  Finally, when Jesus saw the trouble I was having, He explained it: When I was walking on the earth, I was never sick.  Instead, I constantly focused my eyes upon God Almighty.  I also prayed each night, asking God to protect me and to show me what I needed to do that following day.  Jesus continues. This present moment, I am here with you and so are My angels.  You may feel pain, but that is all it is.  Just a feeling.  It is nothing real.  Satan would like you to believe that something is definitely wrong.  To frighten you.  Once you become frightened, you take your eyes off Me, by focusing them onto that pain.  Then you fall into his control, by speaking this problem out loud.  Once you do, you suffer the consequences.  You must remember that anything you speak out of your mouth, you claim.  And that was what Satan wanted you to do.  To claim out loud that you were hurting.  When you do, you speak this pain into existence.

Many years ago, I helped you deal with your past.  When you did, I set you free.  I locked that door to your past, where Satan wasn’t able to attack you anymore, by making you feel worthless.  I also locked the door that led into your future.  I did this, when you fully surrendered your life to Me, by allowing Me to take “complete control” over it.  By doing that you learn how important it was to place your problems onto My shoulders, not yours.  By doing that Satan could no longer place fear into you about your future.  I also “taught you how important” it was for you “to walk every second” of the day with Me guiding you.  This present time, the “Now” that you have been walking in.

It is here where Satan tries to trap you.  All he has to do, is place a thought into your mind.  This thought that you are hurting.  The more you dwell upon it, eventually, you convince yourself that something is wrong.  Then you tell others about it, by speaking it into existence.  Even doctors and other people will try to convince you that you have a disease.  When you take their advice, you accept the outcome and you lose sight of Me.  Then sickness comes upon you.  For example, do you remember what happened to you in the year 2000 and on?  The different health problems that you had.  Tell Me once more, what had happened in the year 2000?  Then you will understand why.  Jesus said.

In the summer of 2000 I foolishly decided to make an appointment with a medical service, to find out, if I had inherited the same health problems that my mom had.  I have no idea why I decided to do this.  For I had no symptoms.

When the tests were done, they found that I had blockage in the same Carotid Artery that Mom had.  Instead of focusing my attention back onto Jesus, I opened up my mind to accept defeat.  Not only that, through my foolishness, I accepted  this lie that these people had spoken.  Then I spoke to other people about those tests.  Instead of walking in faith, I was now walking in fear.  Because I accepted that negative statement, I was also walking in doubt.  The more I walked that way, the quicker I lost sight of Jesus.  I ended up walking in my own strength, not His.  I was fighting a spiritual battle, all alone.  It wasn’t until the early part of 2001 that the first symptom started to develop.  I couldn’t lift up certain things, like I use to.  February of 2002 my right leg swelled up.  The next month more symptoms started developing.  Finally that spring I decided to make another appointment with that same medical service.  I  wanted to find out how badly this blockage was.

This time when the results came back, I wasn’t scared.  My eyes were focused back upon Jesus.  Even when I was told by the doctor that my artery was now 99% blocked, and I would have to have surgery, it didn’t faze me.  For I knew that my Lord and Savior was there.  Nor did it bother me, when the surgeon told me that I was a walking time bomb.  That at any moment, a clot could enter into my brain, causing me to have a stroke and killing me.  I trusted Jesus for the outcome.  I knew that He had opened up a door in heaven for my protection.  He wouldn’t allow anything bad to happen.

Once I had that surgery, I could feel a difference in my body.  The symptoms that I had were gone.  Three days later, I was able to go home.  Everything was going along fine at home, until I took the prescription that the surgeon had prescribed.  I had a very bad reaction to it.  If my youngest daughter and her family had not moved into my house that spring, I would have had some serious problems.

About an hour after I had taken that pill, I got up and I sat down to eat breakfast with my daughter and my grandsons.  As I was eating my bowl of cereal, my right hand went numb.  I told my daughter that I felt like I was about to faint.  I did.  When I came to, my daughter had her hand on my chest, holding me up in an upright position.  She was also on the phone talking to the 911 operator.  She later told me what had happened.  When I had fainted, my face fell into that bowl of cereal.  Her oldest son ran into their bedroom, to tell his dad that I was dead.  Jesus knew what Satan had planned on doing and that was why, He arranged for my daughter and her family to move into my house at that precede time.

Once more Jesus had His angels there for my protection. When Jesus opens a door, He opens it wide.  After I almost died, due to that medication, I grew wiser in what was happening.  I decided not to accept the words that this surgeon had spoken over me.  His words were, “This disease that you had inherited from your mom, would return.  You will be getting more plaque buildup in that artery.  And, it doesn’t matter what medicine you take, or what type of food you eat, to prevent this from happening again.”   I had a choice to make!  Do I accept what this surgeon has spoken over me, as fact?  Or, do I reject it, and place this problem onto Jesus’ shoulders, not mine?  If I accept it as fact, I would be under bondage for the rest of my life.  However, if I rejected it, by trusting Jesus for my healing, I would walk in freedom.

It was very hard breaking this curse though.  Even though I sought after Jesus, I could still hear the devil speaking doubt into my mind.  This doubt that I wasn’t healed.  So once more I made the wrong decision.  In 2003 I had more tests done.  When the results came back, this surgeon found no blockage in that artery.  Instead, he found blockage in both of my thighs.  For him to determine how badly this blockage was, the surgeon had me take more tests.  When those tests came back, he couldn’t understand, how I was able to walk around.  He said, “People with this severe blockage aren’t able to walk around.  I don’t understand how you can.”    But this time, the symptoms that I had, did not match my mother’s disease.  Instead, it matched another type of disease that only men, who smoked, got.  Months later I found out that this disease can also occur due to stress.  And yes, Stress can kill.

A month later, I had surgery on my right thigh. Next to this blocked artery was a good vein that he could have used.  But he chose not to.  Instead, he put a graft into my thigh.  I asked him, why, he didn’t use the good vein that was there.  His answer, “I decided to save it for the next operation that you will be needing in the future.”  When he spoke that curse over me, I wouldn’t accept it.  I decided that I was going to find a different method to rid this blockage in my left thigh, than surgery.  That way, was through Alternate medicine.

I had treatment at an Alternate Medical Clinic for only a few weeks.  Then the Holy Spirit gave me a choice.  He said, There are two different roads that you can take.  One road lead to Me, where I am in control over your life.  The other road leads to Satan, where he has you believing this lie about your health.  You need to get back onto the correct road, where I am leading you.  Vita, give your body time to adjust.  I allowed you to go to the Alternate Medical Clinic, but your time there is over.  You are healed and now it is time to leave there.  Continue to walk in the Supernatural Faith that I have given you and you will be all right.  Fall away from it and you will walk in the natural with its fear.

I asked Jesus for His forgiveness.  I also stopped going to that clinic.  Then one day, I heard an unfamiliar voice whisper doubt back into my mind.  I felt pain in my left foot.  So  I decided to take some medicine to relieve it.  As I was opening up this bottle, I heard the Lord say, Are you sure you want to take that pill?  He wanted me to focus all my attention upon Him, not a pill.  But I didn’t listen; I took the pill.  To my dismay, that pill didn’t relieve my pain.  Why not?  Because Jesus wasn’t the center of my attention, this pill was.  Once more, I was listening to the lies of the devil, thinking that it was the pill that would cure me and not Jesus.  Finally, Jesus got my attention. He opened up my eyes into the spiritual world.  When He did, I could sense evil spirits, as they were buzzing around my head, trying to get back into mind once more, so I would be defeated.

I was at a revival one night, when I heard the Lord say, Vita.  You need to stand still and see what I am going to do. Jesus was reassuring me that He had everything under His control.  It was His battle against Satan, not mine.  All that I had to do, was trust and stand firm with confidence that nothing would happen.  I needed to walk in His inner peace and to remain at rest under His wing.  Jesus said, Do not allow the evil one, to manipulate you into believing this lie about your health.  You need to keep your mind clear of these thoughts.  When these thoughts enter your mind, say the word “Jesus” over and over again, until that thought leaves you.  Your whole body is under My control.  Keep looking up to Me and be mindful of Me.  By doing this, you will slowly understand how to walk with a faith that will move mountains.  You need to confess, continually that you are healed.  Remember, it is not how you feel or what you see.  But it is through your trust in Me that things will happen.  The future is far away.  The present is here, this moment where I am here leading you.

Remember that the disease that they said you had, was caused by “stress.”  This stress was not of Me, but of Satan.  All through your life, Satan has placed stress in it.  But the most stressful time that you had to deal with, was when you were six years old.  When your Dad raped you.  That trauma created this stress to enter into your body.  When it did, a stone started to develop in your left kidney.  This stag horn stone that was discovered and removed in 1967 was caused by this stress.  The most recent stress that you had to endure, was when you had to confront your son-in-law that fall of 2002.  He said a lot of ugly things to you in front of his children.  You knew at that time, if you didn’t leave the house soon, you would explored.

Flashback:  My daughter was working that day.  Her husband had recently lost his job, again.  I decided that during our lunch, we would all listen to some Christian music.  But when I put on that music, my son-in-law told me that he didn’t want to listen to it.  So instead, I put on some children’s music.  He got angry.  He then said some ugly things about me in front of his children that were upsetting.   Once these words were said, he went out of the side door.  When he left, both of his children were shocked by his attitude.  I was furious.  I knew, if I didn’t leave my house soon, I would explode.

I phoned my friend, asking her, if I could come over.  She said that I could.  But when I walked out of my house, to get into my car, my son-in-law had pulled his car onto the driveway, behind mine.  I asked him to please move it.  As he was getting into his car, once more he said ugly things about me.  This made me very angry.  As he was walking back into the house, I said, “When I return, you better not be here.”  I then drove to my friend’s house.  It took my friend several hours to get me to calm down.  When I got home, my daughter informed me that her husband had moved out.

Jesus said, It was hard for your daughter to accept this, even though she and her children stayed with you for several more months.  Then February 2003, when she and her children moved out, loneliness came upon you.  It was here, where you allowed Satan to take control over your mind, once more.  Soon, this loneliness that you were feeling, created problems in your health.  You started to believe that curse that was spoken over you by the surgeon.  Stress was then able to enter back in.  Causing this blockage to occur.

Always walk with Me, Vita.  Let the Holy Spirit guide you.  The fruits of the Holy Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  “Love” drives out fear.  “Joy” drives out loneliness.  I give those who have surrendered and are obedient to Me, Inner Peace.  “Inner Peace” drives out stress.   That is why it is very important to focus all you attending upon Me, each and every day.  Now stand still and watch what I am going to do.

September 14, I went to a church in Newnan.  After the service was over, the pastor asked if anyone had a need.  I raised up my hand.  As I was standing in front of him, he anointed me with oil.  He then said, “God doesn’t want you to try to understand Him.”  After the pastor left, God spoke. Why don’t you trust me for your healing, like you do with your finances?  The devil is a liar.  You need to look to Me for healing, not doctors.  As I continued standing there with my arms raised, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.  His anointed started in my hands and it slowly went down my body to my feet.  Later that night, when I was in bed, my foot started hurting me once more.  When it did, I heard the Holy Spirit say over and over again, By the blood of the Lamb.  By the blood of the Lamb. 

I knew that I needed to stand on God’s promise.  I needed to fight against this temptation that the spirits of darkness were trying to place back into my mind.  Telling me that my body wasn’t healed.  Instead of acknowledging this, I closed my eyes and I praised Jesus Christ.  Then  I saw a cross and part of Jesus’ face, His eyes and His nose.  I knew then that I was healed.

Once more I heard Jesus say, Vita, you have a choice.  You can believe in Me for your healing.  But to believe in Me, you need to focus all your attention upon Me.  The moment you take your eyes off Me, you fall.

October 6th I felt a gush in my left thigh.  The plaque buildup that I had in it, was gone.  I could also see blood flowing down into my foot, where there wasn’t any before.  Not only that, my foot now had a pulse in it, and it was warm, whereas before, it wasn’t.  The Great Physician, Jesus Christ has healed me.  Hallelujah.

Last night at church, as the person who was carrying the flag with the cross of Jesus on it, was moving through the isles, I reached out my hand into the supernatural and I touch the hem of Jesus’ garment.  Now when a thought of sickness or pain comes into my mind, I don’t dwell upon it.  Instead, I focus all my attion upon the Lord.  Knowing that nothing bad would ever happen to me again that Jesus couldn’t control.

Psalm 91:1-2  HE WHO dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand] I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust! (Amplied Bible)

Psalm 57:1 BE MERCIFUL and gracious to me, O God, be merciful and gracious to me, for my soul takes refuse and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings will I take refuge and be confident until calamites and destructive storms are passed. :7 My heart is fixed O God, my heart if steadfast and confident!  I will sing and make melody. :10 For Your mercy and loving kindness are great, reaching to the heavens, and Your truth and faithfullness to the clouds. (Amplied Bible)

Chapter 9: My Calling

After I had left the Baptist Church, I stayed at home and I read any book I could get that talked about Jesus.  But a few months later, I decided to take my children to a Christian Church that was close to our house.  That summer they were holding a Vacation Bible study that I enrolled my children in.  I also help there.  Once that was over, we started going to that church every Sunday.  When I went into their Sunday School class, I would asked a lot of questions to the teacher about the end times.  At first that teacher tried to answer those questions but soon, chose not to.  It turned out that this church was a lot like the one I had gone to, when I was a little girl.  They didn’t teach anything about Revelation or the end times.  Nor did they teach about the dreams that Daniel had about the end times.

I didn’t realize it then, but God was going to use me in a great way.  He placed me close to this pastor and his wife.  During the following summer, the pastor’s wife realized that the children’s program was getting, way to big.  She and her husband decided that the church needed to hire a youth pastor.  When they presented this to the congregation, it was voted to hire one.  A few weeks later, a couple, who had just graduated from a Bible School, started teaching the children.  My children and their friends and I just adored them.

One thing that this couple started, was a musical program.  My children got singing parts in this program.  They also told their friends about it, and they also joined.  A few weeks later that children’s ministry grew in numbers.  I became good friends with this couple, also.  Even my husband would come to this church and watch his children perform.  I finally thought that I had found a church where we could be happy.

But so many times, Satan will try to destroy a good thing.  This couple asked for a raise in salary.  The church had to vote.  But they had something else that they wanted, and that was an organ.  There was only enough money for one thing.  The members of this church chose the organ.  Then the pastor’s wife got jealous of the youth pastors’ success with the children.  She took over their class.  This couple had no one to teach.  Then I got a word from the Lord.  He told me to tell the pastor and his wife, what she was doing; which was wrong, and I did.  I later told that couple what the Lord had told me to tell her.  That couple got worried and they resigned from that church.  When this happened, I went home and I cried.  A week later, the pastor and his wife realized what they had done, and they too, resigned.  I believe God was teaching me, how Satan can blind the eyes of pastors like he did, through pride, jealousy and materialism.

There was one good thing that God did for me.  He arranged for my husband to buy me my  own horse.   All my life I have wanted to own a horse.  Ron had taken us to see a client in Bremen, Georgia.  While he was talking to his client, I was talking to his wife.  Ron came over to me, just in time to hear her say, “If you want a horse badly enough, you will need to get one when you are young.  I wanted a horse, but my husband told me I would have to wait.  Now that I can have one, I’m to old to enjoy it.”  That next day, Ron bought me a horse that I named Ranger Pride.  He was a five year old that was part Quarter horse and part Thoroughbred.   It was through this horse Ranger that I witnesses to many people about Jesus.

The fall of 1977 my oldest daughter wanted to join the Brownies.  She also wanted me to become an assistant leader.  I had all the intentions of doing that, until I learned that no one was willing to be a leader for the Junior Girl Scouts.  I was told this by Ellen, who was the Girl Scout coordinator.  God was also teaching me something here.  That I had a problem.  I would allow anyone to manipulate me into doing something else.  I became that troops leader; which upset my daughter, greatly.

I took over that leadership, but when I tried to have a meeting with the girls, no mother bothered to show up.  Because of that, I shouldn’t have held those meetings, but I did anyways.  Finally, a mother did come and help.  But she had her motive.  She told me one day, that I had to kick out a certain child.  The reason why?  Her daughter didn’t like her.  I told her that I didn’t care if she liked her or not, she was staying.  Later, there was another mother who wanted be a leader, but she had health problems.  She spread rumors about me, which were lies.  I got a phone call one day, where a mother had asked me, if the Girl Scout Organization had contacted me.  I told her, “No.”  Her reply, “I thought they didn’t.  That is why I am calling you.”  A few hours later, I received that phone call.  I phoned Ron telling him what had happened.  Ron told me not to go.  He said if I did, I would either get angry or cry.

I drove to the stable and as I was brushing Ranger, I prayed. “Please Lord, Help me during this trial that I am going to go to.  I am being accused of something that I didn’t do.  When I go to this meeting, please do not let me cry or get mad.”  During my trial I may have looked calm and relaxed on the outside.  At least that was how Ellen, the coordinator, saw me.  But on the inside I was shaking with rage.

I could relate to how Jesus must have felt, when He too, was accused of a crime, He never committed.  Even though, He took the abuse and accusations and seemed to remain calm on the outside, I’m sure He was like me, shaking with rage on the inside.

When I got home, I told Ron what had happened.  He told me to resign.  I did.  Several weeks later, the new leader phoned.  She told me that she and the other mothers realized that I was innocent, because that same mother that had spread those rumors about me, was doing it to her also.

A few months later, I received another phone call from Ellen.  She decided that she wanted to go to a Methodist Church, but she didn’t want to go alone.  Would I go with her?  I did.  After the service was over, Ellen and I went into the fellowship hall for some refreshments.  A woman came up to me and we started talking.  I told her how hungry I was for God’s Word.  I said, “I want to know more about Jesus and the end times.  But I can’t find a church that will teach me.”  Her reply, “I’m going to a Bible study up in Marietta at a Baptist Church.  I think this is the course that you will be interested in.”

Tuesday morning I drove over to her house and she drove me up to Marietta.  The speaker was Kay Arthur, who taught Precepts upon Precepts.  After hearing her preach, we went into a different classrooms and we discussed the message she taught.   We were giving homework, where I had to outline the chapter we were in.  Then I had to underline the repeated words or phrases in that chapter with different colored pencils.  I had to buy a Vines and Strong Concordance, the Greek and Hebrew Lexicon and the West Dictionary.

The first time I carried my Bible out in public, I was embarrassed, so I would hide it.  But once I learned more about Jesus, I was proud to be able to witness to others.  I was under Kay Arthur for four years.  That desire that I had came true, when I completed the course on Revelation. I decided that I would take my Bible out to the stable and anyone that I saw, I told them about the end times.

There was a girl that I met at the stable.  She was an 18 year old and she was Jewish.  She found that book on Revelation to be very interested.  She accepted Jesus Christ into her heart.  Other people at the stable also became very interested in the Bible.  Soon, there were six of us, who wanted to know more about Jesus.  We started searching around for other believers, who would teach us more.  At a Presbyterian church, there was a man who was renting the fellowship hall at this church.  He taught us about the Holy Spirit and the different gifts Jesus had given to the church.

The six of us decided to visit that Presbyterian Church one Sunday.  But when we sat down and listened to his message, it was wrong.  I prayed, “Jesus.  Please reveal to this minister that what he preached, was wrong.”  All of a sudden, the Holy Spirit fell upon this minister.  He started speaking in tongues.  He also interpreted what he spoke into English.  He then said to his congregation.  “Everything that I preached about was wrong.  Please, forgive me.”   Because Presbyterians do not speak in tongues, nor do they interpret, the members of that congregation were furious.  They told the man that was renting the fellowship hall that he had to leave.  He went his way; we went ours.

 

Chapter 8: Mistakes Made

I was an abused child.  Now when I look into a mirror, I do not see the true me.  Instead, I see someone else.  My thinking is distorted.  As a child, I believed that my parents would love, care, guide and protect me into my adulthood.  But that didn’t happen.  By being abused, what did I lose?  They took away my childhood fun, my hope and my self-respect. My future would only bring sorrow and pain.

I used to feel alone in this world, that was until I heard about Jesus Christ; then my life changed for the better.  This relationship that I now have with Christ has changed all of that.  I am no longer alone in this world.  I have Jesus, God Almighty and the Holy Spirit, Who have now taken up residence in me.  With the Trinity living inside, I have nothing to fear.  The Holy Spirit has taught me that everyone in this world has made mistakes.  They are not perfect and neither am I.

Jesus said, “Whosoever, receives, accepts and welcomes this child in My name, also welcomes Me.”  

After my husband and I had gotten married, that summer we worked together at a VA hospital in Brooklyn, New York.  My job was filling out the orders forms, when blood work or other things were requested by the doctors for a certain patient.  I wasn’t very good at it though.  I made my mistakes.  Even though that patient was discharged from the hospital, I should have scheduled those tests to be done later on in the future.  This confused me.  Why didn’t I ask someone to help me achieve this?  Instead, I did nothing and I told no one about it.

Another mistake that I had made, was when I was working for a veterinarian in Wheaton, Maryland. I got to work earlier that morning.  There was a woman, who came into the clinic with a rabbit and its litter.  She asked, if she could drop them off there and I said that she could.  I thought that the doctor wouldn’t mind, but he did.  So I lied.  I told him that I had found these rabbits on the door step, when I got there.  Why did I lie?  I guess because of how he responded.

Heavenly Father, Please forgive me for lying and not asking someone to help me.  Help me understand myself.  Help me deal with my past and set me free, so I can get well: physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Amen.

Lord Jesus, Help me deal with the death of my baby and set me free from that memory, also.

In 1973 I had gotten pregnant for the 3rd time.  I had mixed feeling about this baby.  Something in my past was haunting me.  That something, was being overlooked by my parents.  In my negative thinking, I reasoned, that the only reason why I was unloved, was because I was a middle child.  But in reality that wasn’t true.  My thinking was distorted.  I then reasoned: if I had this baby, my middle child would be ignored.  So I decided that I didn’t want this baby.  I did nothing to harm myself, so my child wouldn’t be born, but my attitude was still bad.  Ron wanted this baby.  He wanted a son.  That was another reason, why I didn’t want this child.  If it was a son, Ron would give all of his attention to him and not his daughters.

Did I have a spirit of fear living inside?  Yes, I did.  Was I judging something that wasn’t real?  Was it because I was naive, immature and unhappy that I wasn’t able to reason correctly?  If this child was born, did I have enough love for him or her?

I prayed, asking Jesus to take it home to heaven.  This baby/fetus was only twelve weeks old, when I had that miscarriage.  My husband didn’t want to tell his parents, what they had done.  I told him not to.  Instead, they blamed me for the death of my baby.  I was told, because I rode horses, it killed my baby.

But was it really my fault that it died?  If I had loved it and wanted it to be born, that baby would be alive today.  But instead, I had asked Jesus to take it home to heaven.  Did those words that I had spoken, kill my baby?  Was I a bad mother?

Dearest Lord Jesus, Please forgive me for asking You to take my baby home.  That baby would have been a blessing, when born.  I was very selfish to ask that of You.

My in-laws were wrong to place that iron board into the closet, instead of bringing it back into the laundry room.  If they had, when I opened up that closet door, that iron board wouldn’t have hit me, causing me to lose my baby.  They made a mistake.  But I can’t blame them for the death of my child.  It was the words that I had spoken out loud that created this problem.  In the Bible it says that once words are spoken out loud, they become alive and active.  I know that my words that I had spoken, killed my baby.

Mathew 15:18-19:  But whatever come out of the mouth comes from the heart, and this is what makes a man unclean and defiles [him].  For out of the heart comes evil thoughts (reasoning, and disputing and designs) such as murder……and irreverent speech.  (amplified Bible)

Lord Jesus, I am so sorry that I spoke those words out loud about not wanting my 3rd child.  By my confessing that I didn’t want my child, I murdered it.  Please forgive me and help me to think before I speak, so I won’t create this problem again.

I also ask you, my baby, to forgive me.  I am so sorry that I spoke those words about you.  You would have been a wonderful child.  I know that I would have loved you also.  Amen.

I also know that the words that I had spoken to Ron, caused his death.  Several months before his death, I had asked Jesus, why did I need Ron around.  I told Jesus that I would be better off without him.  But later, I confronted my husband about the affair he was having.  I then said, “I do not believe in divorce.  In the Bible it says, when two people join together in marriage, they are to stay together until one of them dies.”  I then said, “Unto death, do you part.”  A few months later, he died.

I found out recently from my youngest daughter, what I had said to them after Ron’s death.  I had placed them both on the couch, then I told them how much I hated them.  I don’t remember saying that, but apparently I had.  I do remember telling my youngest brother, “I loved you yesterday and I will love you tomorrow, but I hate you today.”  Why did I tell him that?  It was just that day and how I was feeling.  After all, I reasoned, he had someone to enjoy life with, but I didn’t.  I was so depressed, sad and mad that others had spouses and mine was dead.

I also realize, why my oldest daughter has nothing to do with me now.  In my other book that I had written, “with all the things that I did wrong, I couldn’t understand why she still talks to me.”  Once more, I spoke those negative words out loud, and I am now dealing with the consequences.

Heavenly Father, Please help me, not speak anymore negative words again.  I have hurt those that I dearly love.  I do thank You for reaching out and helping me, when I have fallen.  Please, lift me up, teach me Jesus, Your ways and Your truth.

Dearest Jesus, Please mend my relationship with my oldest daughter. 

To my children: I made a lot of mistakes throughout my life.  I have also said things that were very hurtful to each one of you.  Please forgive me for these shortcomings.

Negative words can kill.  Words, such as, “I hate you.”  “You will never amount to anything.”  “I wish you were never born.”  These words spoken, can kill a child’s confidence, like it did me.  What a difference my life would have been, if I  had heard encouraging words.  “You are beautiful.”  “I’m glad that you are born!” “I love you very much.”  I would have grown up, knowing how important I was in my parents’ eyes.  Then I could look forward to a brighter tomorrow.

What is distorted love?  Distort means misrepresent; change the normal pattern.  Love means affection.  A deep and tender feeling toward someone.  But when these two words are placed together, it produces chaos.

As a child, I was told by both parents how much they loved me.  But, as they were telling me this, they did bad things to me.  My dad sexually molested me.  My mom ignored me.  So  when I grew up this word “love” had no meaning.  It was just a word.

In the Bible Jesus says to Love each other.  There is that word again.  Why would anyone want to be loved and hurt at the same time?  This was very confusing to me.  That was until I sought someone, who helped me understand, who  I really was!  My life, because of the way I was raised, I ended up marrying a man who also told me how much he loved me, only to have affairs.  Again, this word “love” brought pain.

Jesus said in the Bible: Love others, as I love myself.  I had to stop and think.  Do I really love myself?  Also, do I really know who I am?  God commands us to love each other.  He sent Jesus down to earth to teach us about love.  Then Jesus died for us, by taking the sins upon His shoulders.  So all of us would have eternal life.

“That’s nice,” I thought.  So what was it that I was missing.  I realized that because of what my parents did to me as a child, I had hidden my feelings, not only from them but from me also.  I do not have any feelings.  Why?  Because I have placed a wall around myself, where I won’t let anyone in.

One Christmas day I asked Jesus, “Father, I need to know, who I really am.”  That January of 2008 I told my pastor that I needed someone to counsel me.  Another member of my church did.  But before we talked, he prayed. “Holy Spirit reveal these things to her.”

At home the Holy Spirit had me realize that as a child, because I had hidden my feelings, so well, that I didn’t have feelings.  They were distorted.  Because they were,when I was married and I had children, I didn’t know how to related to them.  In fact, what Mom had said was true.  She always told me that I was the kind of mother that she was.  As she put it, “caring.”  But she wasn’t.  And now I understand that I was like her, uncaring.

Before this took place, when someone showed kindness toward me, I was waiting for the bad to follow.  But not now.  I understand way these people have been reaching out to me.  They were showing me through the different things they did, how much they really cared.

I watched one day, as my best friend and her husband came over to my house and gave me a radio.  I watched, as my twin sister gave me money to help me out.  I watched, as my youngest daughter with her two sons drove five hours to see me, even though they stayed for only one night.  God showed me what true love was all about.  I guess, because of my upbringing, I never trusted anyone.  I thought people’s motives were to abuse me, but that isn’t true.  They do have a motive, but that motive is to love.

This weekend has been wonderful.  I got to see my youngest daughter and my grandsons.  Sunday at church, people came up to me and we hugged.  We talked.  They enjoyed having me around.  Again, they did this out of love.  So slowly, God is reprogramming me.  He is closing the doors of my hidden feelings about distorted love.   He is awaking this emotion of true love, so I can express it to others.

Thank You Lord Jesus for what You have done.

Chapter 7:Hunger for God’s Word

After I had that miscarriage the Lord wanted me to learn more and more about Him.  There was a Baptist church that He wanted me to try.  So, I had decided that once I was strong enough, we would all go to that Baptist church.  In the meantime, I would read the Bible constantly.  I so wanted to learn as much as I could about Jesus Christ.  I was so hungry for God’s Word.  I told my husband about this church that I wanted us to try.  He told me that he wasn’t going.  I said, “Don’t you remember, how I felt, when Dad didn’t go to church with us?  Before we got married, you had promised me, that when our children were older, we would all go to a church together?” His reply, “I never said that.”  But a few days later, Ron admitted that he had promised me that, but he still would not go.  That didn’t stop me from going.  That following Sunday, my children and I went to this church.

Once we were at this Baptist church, I brought my children to their Sunday school classes, then I went to mine.  Once these classes were over, I picked up my children and we went into the sanctuary, where we sat down to hear the message being preached.  One thing we learned was the importance of being baptized, by being submerged underneath the water, not sprinkled, like I was in the Lutheran church.  By being submerged, I was surrendering myself to Jesus.  Then, when I came back up out of the water, I would have a new life with my Savior.  I decided that when there was another baptism, I would be baptized.

That night that I was to be baptized, I had asked my husband, if he would come and bring our children to that church and watch me, as I was being baptized.  But he wouldn’t.  I placed a change of clothes and a towel into my car and I drove to church.  When my time came to be baptized, I stepped into the water.  It was then that the pastor said, “I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.”  Then he placed me gently underneath the water.  When I came up out of the water, I felt a lot closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ.  It was then that I went into a room and I changed my clothes.  I realized at that time that I had forgotten to bring a hairdryer.  I asked someone there, if they had one.  But they didn’t.  This one woman said, “You are going to get sick, going outside in that cold temperature of 20 degrees about zero.”  My reply, “If Jesus wanted me to be baptized, He would see to it that I don’t get sick.”  Jesus kept His promise, I didn’t.

When I went to this church, Lord God Almighty placed me close to this minister.  While my youngest daughter was in their kindergarten class, and my other daughter was at school, I was helping in the pastor’s office.  While there, he asked me, if I would take a tape recorder with his last week’s message on it to the shut-ins.  I did.  I  enjoyed our fellowship together, as we listened to his message on that tape recorder.  But as I was about to leave, each one said, ” It sure would have been a lot nicer, had the pastor come in person, but I understand why he couldn’t come.  Instead, I am just happy hearing his voice.”

A few months later during one of the services, an elder asked the congregation for their help.  The church needed to borrow six transcribers and 6 typewriters for a few months.  Could anyone there, help them?  I knew where, as Ron and I had them at our home that we weren’t using in his office.  I told this to the elder, but I also added that I would have to ask my husband first, which I did.   Ron told me that they would have to sign a piece of paper showing, how many pieces of equipment we had loaned them.

That following day, as I was driving to the church building with that equipment, I had second thoughts about what Ron wanted me to do.  By the time I drove up to that building, I decided not to give them this paper to sign.  After all, I reasoned, if I did, they may think that I didn’t trust them.  Being a young Christian, I was very concerned about this.  Several months later, when the equipment was returned, one transcriber was missing.  Since I had no proof on how many I had loaned them, I never got it back. If I had listened to my husband by doing what he said, as the Bible commands me to do, all that equipment would have been returned.

Ephesians 5:22:  Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourself) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord. :23 For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the Savior of [His] Body. :24 As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be subject in everything to their husbands. (Amplified Bible)

I was so hoping that Ron would change his attitude about these Christians.  Not only did I disobey Ron, but I also disobeyed Christ Jesus.  Please forgive me Lord Jesus.  If I had listened by obeying my husband, things would have been different.  But once again, I blow it.  I’m sorry that I hurt You.

I was disappointed in these people also.  I chose not to go back to that church.  Instead, I stayed at home and continued reading the Bible. I also read other books that told about Jesus.  One book talked about God’s angels.

Christmas of 1977, Ron was acting like Mr. Scrooge.  I prayed, asking Jesus to change his attitude.  At that time he was mentally abusing me.   I had asked Jesus to show him a miracle.  Something that would be so incredible that he wouldn’t have a choice, not to believe.  I wanted him to be a better husband and a better Daddy.

A few days before Christmas, my parents’ maid came down for a visit.  A friend invited us over to their house for that day.  We left to go home after dark.  As my husband was driving the car, our children were looking  out the window up into the sky.  They noticed that a bright star, was moving in the same direction, as we were.  They found that odd.  My oldest daughter tells me what this star was doing.  I looked out the window and into the sky, and yes, wherever my husband was turning, so was this star.  Ron started watching this star from his rear view mirror.  Sure enough, wherever he turned, so did that star.  We finally got to our subdivision.  But when Ron turned down that road into it, the star disappeared.  To our surprise, we see this star reappear about our house.  Because this star was so bright over our house, it lit up our driveway, which was normally dark.  As our children were getting out of the car, they continue to yell, “Jesus is returning!” “Jesus is returning!” As Ron is pushing us gently into the house,  he tells us that it was just the moon.

I went into my daughters’ bathroom and I prayed.  I thanked Jesus for this miracle.  An hour later, I went outside to see, if this star was still there.  The sky was clear, but the star was gone.  If it was the moon, why wasn’t it still there?   Why then, did Ron’s attitude start changing for the better throughout that following year? I knew that Jesus had answered my prayer.  He had sent this bright star as a witness to Ron.  I could also feel the presence of an angel around me.  I couldn’t see it with my physical eyes, but I could sense it with my spiritual eyes.  That angel was tall and stocky.  Jesus had sent this angel for my protection, when I was in a car accident.

As I was driving down the road, it started raining.  The rain was so heavy at times, I could barely see.  Finally, the rain stopped, just in time for me to notice that there was a car in front of me, making a left hand turn.  I applied my brakes, but I didn’t have time to stop.  I plowed right into the back of that car.  Because I wasn’t wearing a seat belt, I was thrown forward, hitting my knees against the dashboard.  From the time that  star had appeared, I had felt the presence of an angel in my den.  I knew that this angel was sent there for a reason.  Right before I had hit that car in front of me, I yelled out to Jesus for His help, and His angel  saved my life.

Who Am I?

I am a person, who didn’t know anything about my Savior Jesus Christ until my mom took me to church when I was a little girl.  At 7 years old I had asked Him to come into my life.  When I was a teenager, I had promised Him that I would read the Bible from cover to cover and that was what I did.  At nights I would knee down by my window and pray.  He answered my prayers.

This book that I am writing, is not only an insight about my life.  It teaches those wonderful things that I have learned through Christ Jesus that I want to share.  In 1972 I had gotten such a strong desire to read His Word that I couldn’t ignore it.  The book that He had placed me into was Revelation.  The more I read that book and the others that talked about the prophets, who had become close friends to God, I wanted that same type of relationship with Jesus Christ.  From then on, the Holy Spirit placed me into His training program.

The more I read His Word through the Bible and other books, the hungrier I became to knowing my Savior.  Finally, once the Holy Spirit had placed me in that training program, He became my Counselor, encouraging me to deal with my past hurts, so I could understand why things had to happen, and how I could be set free from these memories.

This book also reveals the miracles that God did, which saved my life many, many times.  But most of all, it is helping me deal with my emotions that I had hidden from myself for so long.  I need to feel and understand my emotions.  As a child due to my abuse, I refused to give anyone the satisfaction that it bothered me.  I also placed a wall around myself, letting no one in.   But after taking counseling courses, that I am going to share, I realized,  by doing that, I wasn’t letting God in either.  Once my book is finished, I will be set free from that of a victim to a victor.

Chapter 6: My Best Friend

In 1972 Jesus came into my life.  From then on, Jesus would place me into a situation that taught me more and more about Himself.  One book that I was reading, was on Fasting.  After I had finished reading this book, I decided that I would do what this book said.  The following day after I had given my family their breakfast and everyone was gone, I went into the den, so I could pray, as I didn’t eat anything that morning.  As I was praying, I said, “Lord, there is a stray cat outside that I would like to help.  But each time I get near him, he leaves.  What I am going to do? I am going to go outside and call to this cat.  If it comes to me, then I will really know that Your Word, as well as You Jesus, are real.”

I walked outside and I called to this cat.  That cat was underneath my neighbor’s car that was in his driveway.  Immediately, that cat left that car and he came straight toward me.  My mouth dropped open.  As I picked up this stray cat, I knew than that yes, Jesus Christ was real.

Later on that year, Ron had to see a client that was in the Florida Keys.  He decided to take us with him, so we could have a nice vacation also.  I was seated by the pool, watching, as my two daughters were playing in the wading pool.  As I was sitting there, I was drinking my favorite drink that consisted of rums and fruit juices mixed together.  All of a sudden, I got a blister in my mouth.  I said, “O Lord, I will never take another drink again.”  Why I said that, I had no idea.

The following weekend, my husband had to see a client in another city.  His clients took us all out to dinner.  They ordered a drink and so did I.  The first slip that I took of that drink, I heard a voice in my head say, “You promised Me.” I thought to myself, “Was that Jesus Christ, Who has just spoken?  No, it can’t be.  He doesn’t talk to people.  Does He?” That was the first time that I had ever heard the Holy Spirit speak.  I took one more slip of that drink and I never had another one since.

In 1973 I had become pregnant again.  But this pregnancy was a lot different than the two previous ones.  At least with the two other pregnancies, when I would get sick and eat something, I didn’t vomit.  That was not the case with this one.  Whatever I did, it didn’t help.  A few weeks later, my in-laws came down for a visit.  When they did, I let them sleep in my oldest daughter’s bedroom.  My daughter slept with her sister in her bedroom.  While they were there, Ron’s mom asked if she could iron her clothes in their bedroom.  I said, “Fine.”  Then I brought them the iron and iron board.  When they left to go home, instead of placing this iron board in the room, where I could see it, it was placed in the closet behind the clothes.

That following weekend Ron wanted to take his family out for breakfast.  I went into my oldest daughter’s bedroom to get her a coat.  As I was moving the clothes around in her closet, that iron board fell out of the closet, striking me below my navel.  The pain was very strong and it hurt badly.  But without thinking, I grabbed her coat and I left.

A few days later, I felt very tired.  Ron wasn’t working that day, so he took our children to the park, so I could get some rest. Later, after I had gotten up from a good nap, I had to go to the bathroom.  As I was walking toward the toilet, I felt something fall into my underpants.  When I looked to see what it was, I saw my baby lying there.  I picked up my little baby and I held it in my hand.  Its head was large not fully formed yet, but my baby’s hands and feet were.  They were so tiny.  As I held this baby in my hand, I asked Jesus to bless it.  When my husband came home, I showed him our baby.  He phoned the doctor, letting him know what just had happened.  The doctor wanted Ron to bring in the fetus, so he could find out, why it had died.

I knew why it had died!  It was because of the iron board.  When it hit me that day, it had pushed my baby away from the placenta and the umbilical cord, killing it.  When Ron brought the fetus to the doctor, he asked him what sex, the baby was.  The doctor’s reply, “The fetus was only 12 weeks old.  In order to determine the sex, the fetus needed to be 14 weeks old.”  Ron was so hoping that this baby, was a boy.  The doctor never gave our baby back to us, so we could bury it properly.

This doctor, also, asked Ron, if the placenta and umbilical cord had come out.  When Ron asked me, I told him “No.”  This doctor didn’t believe me, he was so sure that it did, I just didn’t know what to look for.  But I knew it didn’t.  So instead of bringing me into an operating room and doing a D&C; which would have removed any tissue, he chose to wait for another six weeks.

Since it was getting closer to Christmas, I decided that I wanted to go Christmas shopping without my children.  So I dropped them off at a childcare center.  But I realized that I had forgotten something, so I went back home, to retrieve it.  As I was walking from my kitchen into my den, I felt a gush of water coming out of me.  I reached my hand behind me and I touched my black slacks.  When I looked at that hand, it was full of blood.  I quickly phoned the doctor, but he was out of town.  Instead, I told the doctor on call what had just happened.  He reassured me that everything was fine, it was just a heavy period.  I took a shower, changed my clothes, and I decided that I wasn’t going to go shopping.  Instead, I drove to the childcare center, picked up my children and brought them home.  On arriving home, I felt extremely tired.  After I turned on the television program that my children loved to watch, I went into my bedroom and I laid down.  At 4:30 that afternoon, my children came into my bedroom, informing me how hungry they were.  I got up and I went into the kitchen to prepare dinner.  When my husband came home, I placed the food down onto the table and after telling him what had happened and that I was tired, I went back to bed.

Six o’clock that evening, I started bleeding once more.  This bleeding lasted to almost midnight.  But what Ron and I didn’t understand , because there were clots of blood coming out, we thought it was really tissue, not blood.  Neither Ron nor I could figure out where all this tissue was coming from.  Ron, as I continued to bleed, finally phoned my Dad, who was a doctor up in New York, asking him, if he knew.  But he had no answers.  Then finally Ron phoned my dad one more time, pleading with him.  He said, “Dad, can’t you or Mom, who was a nurse, fly down to help us.”  But Dad’s reply, “Mom nor I will be able to fly down.  Instead we will send our maid, so she can help you.”  After Dad had  phoned the airport and made reservations, he phoned Ron back, letting him know that he could pick up his maid at five o’clock that following morning.

As I continued bleeding, around midnight I prayed.  I said, “I’m so tired Lord.  I need to get some sleep. Please Lord, stop this bleeding, so I can get some rest.”  A few minutes later that bleeding stopped.  Early that morning Ron drove to the airport and he picked up my parents’ maid.  Once they were back home, Ron phoned my doctor about what had happened.  The doctor told Ron to bring me into his office.  He also added that Ron shouldn’t allow me to eat anything, as he may have to operate.

After Ron had helped me get dressed, he then helped me into the kitchen ,where he sat me down on one of the kitchen chairs that was next to the table.  Once that was done, he went outside to warm up the car.  As I was sitting there, on the table I saw a piece of toast.  With the little strength that I had, I picked up that toast and I ate it.  Miraculously, that toast gave me the energy that I needed, not only to walk to the car, but I was able to walk up the steps at the doctor’s building, alone, while Ron was parking the car.  As I was walking up those steps, I could hear my head pounding loudly.  It felt like it was a machine, trying desperately to pump enough blood into my brain, so it could function properly.  I could also hear my heart pounding, loudly.  By the time I had made it to the top step, Ron was at my side.  We took the elevator to the 2nd floor.  As we were walking into the doctor’s waiting room, the doctor saw us and he looked worried.

He quickly had his nurse bring me into an examination room, where she placed me into a wheelchair. She then took a blood sample, to find out  how low my hemoglobin count was.  But before the results came back, I was rushed to the hospital, where I would have a blood transfusion.  When the results came back, my hemoglobin count was down to 4.  When Ron saw the doctor, the doctor said, “I’m amazed that your wife was able to walk into my waiting room with such a low hemoglobin count.  She should have been dead.”

At the hospital the nurse placed a needle into my arm with a tube attached to it.  On the other end of this tube hung a bag with whole blood in it.  It took two transfusions, before my hemoglobin count was normal.  Once it was, I was taken into the operating room and operated on.  When I woke up and I saw my husband, I said, “Do you know Ron that I am not going to die?  Because Jesus is here with me.”  His reply, “Yes.  I know.”

I am so glad that Jesus had given me that strong hunger to read His Word in 1972.  As I kept reading His Word, I started trusting and praying to Him more and more.  My faith was so strong during this ordeal that I knew that His angels would always be around me for my protection and from any danger.  My desire that I have stride for, happened.  Jesus became my best friend.

Thank You Holy Spirit for Your protection.  I do thank You for giving me that toast that I know,was manna from heaven.  I also thank You for sending Your angels around me.  So they could hold me up, as they carried me up those stairs at the doctor’s building and helped me, as I walked into that waiting room.

I felt like Elijah did in 1 Kings 19:5-8.  As Elijah was sleeping, an angel touched him and told him to get up and eat!  He had a long journey ahead of him.  When he did, as the angel had instructed him to do, this food gave him enough strength to travel 40 days and 40 nights to Horeb, the mountain of God.

On September 1, 2016, I had another bad crisis.  Early that morning, as I was looking into my mirror, I noticed that my tongue was white.  I said to myself, “If I don’t get help and go to see a doctor, I’m an idiot.”  Since I didn’t own a car, I phoned my friend, asking her, if she would drive me to the emergency clinic?  She said that she would.  While I was in this clinic’s examination room, a nurse came in.  After she had taken my blood pressure and other vital signs, she walked out.  A few minutes later, the doctor came it.  It was right at that precise time that I had a mild stoke.  Thank You Holy Spirit for encouraging me to get help.  I’m so glad that I listened.  If not, I would have been dead.

I don’t understand, how people can say that Jesus Christ does not exist.  They are fools.  Nor can I accept it, when a family member tells me, how important it is that family comes first, and  that I have to let my religion; which is Christ Jesus take a backseat to it.  No, Jesus Christ is not a religion.  It is a relationship between me and Him.

Once more, the Holy Spirit had placed a flower onto my rose bush, letting me know that He had everything under control.  That summer there was a drought.  Because of this, my rose bushes weren’t doing well.  I had a rain barrow that I was using, to water my vegetable garden with.  Once I noticed that these rose bushes weren’t doing well, I used some of that water for them.  Soon, these rose bushes started to thrive. When my rain barrow stated getting empty, I prayed, asking Jesus to fill it back up; which he did.

This one rose bush that was closest to my front door, had a pink flower on it.  So I cut it off of that bush and I brought it into the house.  The more it grow, the larger the flower grew.  I finally got out my tape measure, to see how large it was.  It was five inches in diameter.  This surprised me, as this rose bush had never had such a large flower on it before.  It was then that I took a photograph of it on November 4, 2016.  Once more, Lord Jesus was letting me know that He had everything under His control.  What a wonderful God, I serve.